Child Abandonment Issues Following losing a parent or gaurdian

 

Symptoms of Abandonment Issues Beware it Can Become Serious

Video taken from the channel: The health-and-fitness


 

Multifandom | If You Just Wanted Me

Video taken from the channel: Elena Levakova


 

My family abandoned me Street child Osman tells sad story

Video taken from the channel: Benabi Discovery


 

Man Carries On Late Father’s Search For The Mother Who Abandoned Him As A Child

Video taken from the channel: Dr. Phil


 

6 Signs You Were Raised By an Absent Parent

Video taken from the channel: Psych2Go


 

Early Loss of a Parent: Its Impact on Attachment

Video taken from the channel: Alan Robarge / Attachment Trauma Therapist


 

“Single Father Parenting” (Child abandonment)

Video taken from the channel: Len Mooney


Child Abandonment Issues Following the Loss of a Parent. Jennifer Wolf is a PCI Certified Parent Coach and a strong advocate for single moms and dads. Growing up with an absent parent can leave kids with a deep sense of shame and loss. And when the absence appears voluntary, the impact can be even more intense.

Dec 8, 2014 Child abandonment issues are common after a parent disappears or chooses not to be involved. Learn how to help your child cope with the loss. Stay safe and healthy. If you are in a close relationship with a child with abandonment issues, there are ways that you can help them.

Our brains, and especially a child’s brain, is “plastic” and flexible in very deep, powerful ways. Basically, child abandonment issues stem from events that are totally beyond the child’s ability to name, understand, process or resolve. Abandonment fear often stems from childhood loss.

This loss could be related to a traumatic event, such as the loss of a parent through death or divorce. It can also come from not getting enough. Loss of a parent at an early age has been shown to lead to long-term psychological damage in children, especially when the parent lost is the mother. To prevent this, psychologists suggest grief therapy for the child, allowing the child to express his or her feelings and providing feedback and activities to pursue when grief resurfaces. Child Abandonment Issues Following the Loss of a Parent.

14/08/2014 · As children grow up, their parents did not notice when their children are feeling sad or needed comforting. When children are ignored, go unnoticed, or their words or actions are misunderstood by their parents, kids respond by feeling that they are unimportant, wrong, or unacceptable. Abandonment issues are also linked to Borderline Personality Disorders (BPD) and attachment anxiety. There are many actions taken by government, NGOs and orphanages to.

Child Abandonment Issues Following the Loss of a Parent. By Jennifer Wolf Deadbeat Dad Stereotypes and Unpaid Child Support. By Jennifer Wolf Child Custody Following the Death of Custodial Parent. Fact checked by Adah Chung Fathers Can Still Get Full Custody of. Jennifer Wolf is a PCI Certified Parent Coach and a strong advocate for single moms and dads.

Learn about our editorial process. Jennifer Wolf. Updated on November 29, 2019.

Child Abandonment Issues Following the Loss of a Parent. By Jennifer Wolf How to Help Your Preschooler Develop a Healthy Moral Compass. By Amy Morin, LCSW.

‘Attachment issues’ is a phrase used to describe a variety of behaviours which may arise after a child has lost his or her ‘primary carer’, often the mother, and has experienced emotional abandonment in early years.

List of related literature:

The loss of the noncustodial parent may be problematic because of residual feelings from the divorce, the child’s previous lack of close connection with the lost parent, and complex feelings between the child’s custodial parent and the lost parent’s extended family.

“Living Beyond Loss: Death in the Family” by Froma Walsh, Monica McGoldrick
from Living Beyond Loss: Death in the Family
by Froma Walsh, Monica McGoldrick
W.W. Norton, 2004

A mother who remains deeply identified with her child will experience the child’s independence as a loss to herself; if, on the other hand, she is able to revise the boundaries of her own identity as the child matures, the change will not be experienced as a loss so much as a transformation.

“The Oxford Handbook of Philosophy and Psychiatry” by KWM Fulford, Martin Davies, Richard Gipps, George Graham, John Sadler, Giovanni Stanghellini, Tim Thornton
from The Oxford Handbook of Philosophy and Psychiatry
by KWM Fulford, Martin Davies, et. al.
OUP Oxford, 2013

If older and of sufficient age, the bereaved child knows the emotional suffering that accompanies significant loss, the insecurity it brings in so many forms—emotional, physical, financial, and social—and the recognition that his or her life has forever been altered.

“Handbook of Death and Dying” by Clifton D. Bryant, SAGE., Sage Publications
from Handbook of Death and Dying
by Clifton D. Bryant, SAGE., Sage Publications
SAGE Publications, 2003

The abused adult will recreate the emotionally absent parent, the parent who could not bear the child’s pain and vulnerability, and who had left the child with a sense that the environment failed them and that there is a breach or gap in the parenting experience.

“Memory: Histories, Theories, Debates” by Susannah Radstone, Bill Schwarz
from Memory: Histories, Theories, Debates
by Susannah Radstone, Bill Schwarz
Fordham University Press, 2010

A motherless daughter who has the personal maturity and the environmental support to express her feelings, attach meaning to the loss, and form other secure attachments is most likely to accommodate the death of her mother and approach future separations without excessive trauma or pain.

“Motherless Daughters: The Legacy of Loss, 20th Anniversary Edition” by Hope Edelman
from Motherless Daughters: The Legacy of Loss, 20th Anniversary Edition
by Hope Edelman
Hachette Books, 2014

Whatever the reaction of the child to the loss of a parent or primary caregiver, and however the child tries to comprehend its meaning, it is important to help the child, in age-appropriate ways, to understand the reasons for the loss and to appreciate its finality.

“Psychodynamic Diagnostic Manual, Second Edition: PDM-2” by Vittorio Lingiardi, Nancy McWilliams
from Psychodynamic Diagnostic Manual, Second Edition: PDM-2
by Vittorio Lingiardi, Nancy McWilliams
Guilford Publications, 2017

If caseworkers model help and support for the difficult feelings associated with loss, at best they will help facilitate resolution of the grief process freeing the parent to put energy into the real change process.

“A Child's Journey Through Placement” by Vera I Fahlberg
from A Child’s Journey Through Placement
by Vera I Fahlberg
Jessica Kingsley Publishers, 2012

Children who lose a parent or primary caretaker are at risk for long­term complications, such as difficulty in forming intimate attachments or catastrophic fears of separation and abandonment (Worden 2008).

“Dulcan's Textbook of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry” by Mina K. Dulcan
from Dulcan’s Textbook of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry
by Mina K. Dulcan
American Psychiatric Publishing, 2015

If the parent or parents have made only token efforts to support or communicate with the child, the court may declare the child abandoned by the parent or parents.

“California Advance Sheet February 2012” by Fastcase
from California Advance Sheet February 2012
by Fastcase
Fastcase Inc,

Grief and loss will surface for the child through each developmental phase as their ability to understand what happened and why they were placed in guardianship or adoption with their kin deepens.

“Seven Core Issues in Adoption and Permanency: A Comprehensive Guide to Promoting Understanding and Healing In Adoption, Foster Care, Kinship Families and Third Party Reproduction” by Sharon Roszia, Allison Davis Maxon, Deborah N. Silverstein, MSW
from Seven Core Issues in Adoption and Permanency: A Comprehensive Guide to Promoting Understanding and Healing In Adoption, Foster Care, Kinship Families and Third Party Reproduction
by Sharon Roszia, Allison Davis Maxon, Deborah N. Silverstein, MSW
Jessica Kingsley Publishers, 2019

Oktay Kutluk

Kutluk Oktay, MD, FACOG is one of the world's foremost experts in fertility preservation as well as ovarian stimulation and in vitro fertilization for infertility treatments. He developed and performed the world's first ovarian transplantation procedures as well as pioneered new ovarian stimulation protocols for embryo and oocyte freezing for breast and endometrial cancer patients.

Mail: [email protected]
Telephone: +1 (877) 492-3666

Biography: https://medicine.yale.edu/profile/kutluk_oktay/
Bibliography: oktay_bibliography

View all posts

143 comments

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

  • my whole life i thought daddy issues was just a fun way of saying somebody doesn’t like their dad. then i found out i have them ��

  • My father died when I was almost 2 and my mother when I was 4. Have been living with amazing foster parents but this stuff makes so much sense of the situation I’ve been in..

  • NO MORE CRUMBS – of non-emotional relating!

    I’m talking about improving our relationships.

    No more making excuses for emotional unavailability and withholding. You want more than crumbs! You want the whole cookie. You want presence, attention, warmth, and affection. You want to be seen, known, heard, affirmed, valued, and understood.

    No more chasing after someone who shows you minimum possible investment. Life is too short. Emotional connections matter, and it’s time that you changed this old dysfunctional pattern once and for all.

    Dysfunctional relating begins by picking an emotionally unavailable partner. You need to learn some new skills – boundaries, walking away, letting go, grieving your losses, and loving yourself more fully.

    No more abandoning yourself waiting around for someone who’s not coming around. Wake up to the reality distortion and fantasy projections, and commit to a real plan of action. Today is a new day! Time for clarity, standards, and a new outlook.

    It’s time to do your healing work. Join us in the membership community, Improve Your Relationships, if you’re serious about changing this old, painful pattern. If not, then you’ll stay stuck, choosing more of the same – choosing more crumbs!

    The membership community provides a structured and reoccurring 8-week program of helpful conversations, learning, and support; it offers resources, worksheets, and 180+ videos. It promotes a model of self-directed healing and invites self-accountability. It challenges you to grow. The program’s content is Attachment-Focused and Trauma-Informed.

    Every 8 weeks, we launch into a new cycle with Week #1, “Let’s Talk About Partner Relationships.” Week #2, Let’s talk about Grieving Our Losses. Week #3. Let’s talk about Family Relationships, etc.

    The program is not a course of sequential content presented in modules. The program design is based on your participating and engaging in self-reflective conversations with others and reporting what you are learning. Since the content is not sequential, new members are welcome to join us at any time.

    We’d love to have you I’d love to have you. We are a community of kind, supportive learners who want to change old patterns of relating and improve our relationships.

    Learn more and register at http://www.alanrobarge.com/community.

  • Alan Robarge is truly insightful….. he has a very deep understanding of the human condition…. It astonishers me how he is so insightful….he has been and is currently the most helpful person currently regarding the questions of what is the truth!!!!I am a 54 yo who has had a lot of life experiences.!!!

  • One day I’m going to have to get an appointment with you so I can gain extra wisdom for myself. You came outta now where on my video list and honestly I am so happy I clicked on a video. Your videos have been changing my perspective these past few days. Your the sign from my Spirit Guides. Some of the other Life Coaches I watch don’t take it deep and explain in detail every aspect of that subject with every feeling/thought in the process. Not just for my side of the story, But for the other person(s) as well. You are such a God Send! If I can stop watching them for a bit, I can get your info and sign up for your groups / community meetings. I’m too busy listening while I do my Bullet journaling addiction and Pinterest. When you explain stuff it is so sweet and non-judgmental or harsh but understanding and i feel ok about what you say is the wrong way to see things b/c I’m still learning how to heal without any resources or other people to help me.That its just awesome that you are basially going to be the reason why I can take this whole Healing Journey thing more seriously now, B/C i see it in a diff light…and i believe I’ll heal with no setbacks or even any questions to seek after. Everything resonate so well. So thank you for all your hard work and I too have been very drawn to researching, studying, and reading all I can about the Spiritual aspects of life. It’s so hard not to keep wondering what else I’ll discover and get so excited to want to share everything with the first person i see….but i don’t b/c its only me who is getting “woke” in this house. lol….Your Awesome Thank You! Your helping so many people!

  • My mom died of cancer when i was 1 year old. I always kinda brushed it off because I obviously don’t remember etc… but I’ve had serious depression and anxiety since i was 23. I wonder in what ways it affected me, and is it better or worse for me that I was so young???

  • my boyfriend lost his dad when he was 11. i remember when it happened… the school we were in announced throughout the school without my boyfriend or his family’s permission that his dad passed. ever since everyone looked at him crooked and never accepted him. when him and i started really talking just under 2 years later i was the only one that saw him for him and tried helping him. 8 years of friendship and 1 year of dating later here we are

  • Thank you for your video,very insightful.
    I lost both my parents by the age of 10 (father 7 my mother 10). I only started noticing in my late 20s the impact their death had/has on me ( i am currently 30).For the past 5 years i have been trying to deal with it the best way i can as i enter each new level into my life i gain new perspective and understanding which allows me to be more at peace, but i do have my moments of anger and frustration.
    Your video helped me understand the disconnect i feel at times with my peers.
    My romantic relationships havent been that great either, but i now understand thanks to your video i had to go through them.

  • I have dealt with abandoned of my mother as well. I have, at some point, felt that same way as I am. Still till this day. I have wondered if she never abandoned me how my life would have turned out. I ask myself that question. I have forgiven her 5 years ago, after nearly 30 years of abandonment. Even though I did forgive her, my point is, I still till this day wondered why she chose to leave me and telling my grandmother in front of me ‘she is too much to handle, you take her. Don’t want her anymore’. Sadly, that was my first memory I’ve ever received at 2.5 years old. I completely sympathize with him how he felt all his life. So sorry for your loss. Going through the abandonment issue is totally not a picnic. Still going through counseling till this day. I’m 36 years old. I have lost so many friends because of my fear of them leaving me. I have scared some of them away too, because of being over emotional. It’s not easy. But I have learned what not to do as a mother. I am currently a mom to a little boy that would be turning 2 tomorrow. Love this little boy more than life itself. I vow to never ever treat him the way my own mother treated me.

  • Dumped into a boarding school in a different country, i drifted until i joined the Army. Instant caring parents, who at times tried to kill me. Perfect life for an introvert, loner, thinker and dreamer

  • I lost my dad when I was 14 from an accident/suicide (no way of knowing for sure, but he was deeply depressed when it happened) and I was 23 when my mom passed away from cancer. 2020 marks the 10th year since my father passed and it will be a year for my mom. It feels so lonely being 24 and having no parents. I have always felt a void, a longing for connections with people. I always feel let down one way or another. It is a lonely life. I know of no one who can relate to me and my story. I have had only failed romantic relationships and I struggle in my friendships. I am doing therapy and probably will for the rest of my life. It feels like I’m broken in some way…

  • I feel deeply sorry for Paul, and his wife and family. May he Rest In Peace. I wish his son a beautiful wedding and life as well as Paul’s wife. I hope moving forward that Paul’s mother can reconcile her problems with the family and make things work out in memory of Paul. ❤️

  • Im sorry but theres so many orphanes and so on and they dont all kill themselves especially when they get a family and or friends or whatever the case. There was no reason to just leave his family like that especially when they all loved him

  • how can i help my boyfriend 32 who has not let go of the anger of watching his mother pass away at the age of 8yrs old. He then lost his Dad at the age of 20yrs old. His father was an alcoholic and abusive mental and emotionally. HE also so both his parents infidelity’s on both sides. He is like 2 different people sometimes. I love him so much and I want to help him. He refuses to get professional help. I need to help him because I am afraid that he will hurt himself.

  • My father left my mother 1 month before I was born.
    I have’ nt had much contact with him.
    I recognize a lot of what they are telling here.
    I have never married. Not long lasting relationships.
    I was average in school. Have had difficulties with education, job/ carrer. Low self esteem.
    My life has not been easy.

  • This is such a moving video. I am currently in a romantic relationship and am very much struggling with what you describe around 23:00. I am currently in therapy and working on healing, but I am still finding connection difficult. Do you think it is necessary to wait until I am further along the healing process to be in a relationship? I have a very loving partner who I also love, but the structure of a relationship has been causing me lots of anxiety. I would really appreciate your advice. Thank you!

  • Okay get ready, I’m going to talk about a dead man. Allowing his “abandonment” issues to consume his life to the point that he dumped it all on his son and wife was wrong. The woman who merely gave birth to him, not his mother, had been missing for decades and instead of appreciating all the good things he had in life, like his amazing son, he ruined all their lives by dragging them down too. Now because the father allowed his own life to be ruined by drugs and alcohol, his grieving son wants to search for a complete stranger believing it’s going to fulfill some pointless legacy. What a selfish selfish father. Now that we’ve met the mother, I guess the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

  • dads think because of the fact that they work and provide for you is enough for them to show love, when really it’s much more than that. at times I’m just filled with an empty void never knowing what it feels like to be told ‘I appreciate you’ by my father.

  • i lost my father at 25. i am now 33. this doesn’t only apply to young/teenage years. lots of my intimate development was stunted by this loss. my father was my best friend, and through this loss i feel as though my emotional space has been in a place of arrested development. it’s only very recently where i have been ready to face the work.

  • Welp…i have never seen my dad in my life. And because of him i had anxiety and depression. And when i was in middle school i have seen dads who were waiting for theyr kids but…for…me it was empty and lonely….it hurts because you see theyr happyness and love…but for me i have never felt that kind of love. But thank you Mom for being my family and both parents. ÓÒ
    And its funny cause he left me because i wasn’t a BOY. Q-Q

  • I was 11 when my father died of cancer. He had had a severe stroke when I was 8 and my brother and I taught him to read and write etc from the beginning. I have abandonment issues but I have seen from this video that I also have emotional attachment trauma. I believe that he was more emotionally attentive to my younger brother than to me. I think this spurs on my trauma because I know he didn’t love me as much as he loved my brother. My father was adopted too and suffered from emotional attachment trauma after his mother abandoned him and then he went on to snap son my half sister when she was 2 and then he died when I was 11. I found out he had been married and had another child when I was 19 so it wasn’t just the initial trauma of his death but then a follow up trauma 10 odd years later. I still suffer the impact to this day and this year will be the 20th anniversary of his death. I try every day to overcome the effects of his death and the choices he made in his life.

  • I lost my mom suddenly when I was 16. I can relate to your story a lot I’m 27 now and this year has been really hard suddenly. Thank you for making this video.

  • Alan, this was very helpful to me because I lost my father when I was 10. He didn’t die, but my parents got divorced and I didn’t see him much after that. He was an alcoholic so our bond was non existent. My early relationships were with addicts and then emotionally unavailable types. I am only now finally able to understand it. Thank you.

  • I was orphaned at a young age,my mother hated me.I was in institution’s 12-18 and ran away all the time which led to juvenile jail 13-16 off and on and then ran away. I had an abused life emotionally& physically and even now I feel lonely,have no one in my life to make it better for me. I wanted to love a baby that was about to have a bad life like I had and I adopted him.Never any abuse,always was there,always listened and I’m glad I was put on this earth to have changed one persons life. I consider myself deprived and orphaned. I give love but have a desire personally for it. I try not to think about that. Is there any one out there that had that sort of loss life? Thanks

  • My mother never left my father and i wish to God she had. He beat her on a regular basis and my Brother as well. We moved constantly never staying in one place very long. My mother left once with us and went to my grandmother. She told her you made your bed sleep in it… I hated her for that… that was the one time my mom tried. He almost killed her after that.

  • I also lost my parent (Mom) at 14. She was sick with cancer since I was 6. She knew she was terminal but that information was not shared with me until the night before she died which was the last time I saw her. I struggle with why I wasn’t told. I mean it wasn’t like I wasn’t going to find out. Surprise i’m dead. I felt totally unseen by her decision to not tell me. (she actually did not tell me-an uncle did)

  • My mother suddenly died when I was 10. I could understand it and accept it but where I feel I got stuck and continue to be stuck is, the support and structure she provided in my life was never reconstructed. Suddenly it was revealed that my grandparents and aunts and uncle had always hated her and wanted me to accept that she was a bad person,which made me very defensive of her and made me lose them as family. And that my dad, while good for having open dialogue about my feelings with was incapable of uninterested in providing for my physical needs like healthcare and food, etc. And that my only sibling wouldn’t share feelings on any of these subjects with me. it led to the feeling that no one is actually really here for me and it was a feeling proven true in ways even my worst anxiety wasn’t prepared for.

    What I don’t understand is, what’s the end game here? I understand these feelings…I know why I am who I am. What I don’t know is how to not feel so much pain about it when focusing on it?

  • My dad was basically emotionally absent but physically there. Never once asked me growing up how I was genuinely or how I was doing in school. Never showed any interest in what I liked or school or really anything that didn’t have to do with his needs… I used to think this was normal, that every day did this.

  • Thank you Allan
    I have never understood why I do this for any potential relationship: holding on, investing, too eager to invest in a relationship that has not ever
    Developed and this high tolerance for absence, I would like to do all the work to heal my attachment trauma whic I believe existed at a very early age and every stage, as I repeatedly sabotage any potential relationship.
    I also married a man who could not connect emotionally and I could not understand why. We had a brilliant wonderful son. Sadly I don’t think I was present and emotionally available due to my depression and self absorbed distraction.. I always felt wrong and limping mentally
    This video in particular has raised my awareness of why I do this with any potential romantic interest.
    ( we divorced when my son was 2 and I raised my son with an absent father

  • I lost my mom when I was 10. We had a day off from school due to an ice storm. I went to a friends for lunch and when I left she( my mom ) was just fine and while I was gone she a blood clot go to her heart and she died. I never had time to totally grieve her death I had to step up to the plate and watch over my brother who was 8. A lot at that time changed everything in our lives.

  • I didn’t lose a parent, but at the age of five years old I knew that I had to be my own parent. At this point, I do except crumbs in my relationships. I didn’t know why before these videos came out. So thank you for your work, your videos. They have helped me to understand myself better.

  • Mom and dad split up when I was 2 but me and my father would still spend time on most weekends and most holidays although sometimes he wouldn’t show up and almost always be late but then eventually when I was 14 we blocked off all contacts because of his abusive behaviour and bad examples until I was 19 and then we started seeing each other off and on but don’t see him right now though

  • I was interested in a man who lost his father at 15. His behavior irked me. He was a loner and he was socially awkward. I was very attracted to his intelligence and kindness. However, I lost interest when I found out he wasn’t just flirting with me but another woman too. It made me look at him a different way.

  • I would say though that even when me and my dad were still seeing each other on weekends and holidays he was still absent because he wasn’t living with us and sometimes like I said he wouldn’t even come he was still split up from us and my mother and not living under the same roof and I did have a stepfather but he was of course an abusive neglectful man and he would drink alot but yes my biological parent was separated

  • Is it bad that I want to have an absent relationship with my dad….??

    Edit: also….yea I might have an absent relationship with my dad/ and I still visit him often…

  • WOW. Just doing some research for a story I am writing in part, based on some personal experiences and absolutely got rocked by this. Thank you, this is life-changing.

  • Really, really good Alan. I appreciate your honesty, vulnerability, and insight. I lost my Mom (and had no father) at 18 years old. At the end of the Identity-Role Confusion stage, it was as if I was thrown into a flux, and lost a sense of true self for about a decade. I allowed others to inform (and form) an identity for me that did NOT fit. I am happy to report that I have been able to find a more suitable sense of self, and feel more confident about the direction my life is going. Thank you so much for positing this video!

  • My dad left us when I was 3 and he past when I was 19! I don’t feel much about it. I don’t think I can truly address it until my loss from my earlier stage in life is addressed! I lost my mom when I was 5 and my brother. We were stolen and put in an institution. I haven’t had a care giver since I was 5! I love all your videos. They are very encouraging and life giving! You are such a blessing to God’s children! Thank you and much love. Xx

  • I feel so lucky that my dad, even though my mother divorced him, still did his very best to be active in my life by calling me almost every night and having me visit as often as possible. The only regret I have is that he didn’t get custody, as my mother is a manipulative piece of shit.

  • Well, allow me to disagree. I grew up with an absent parent and yet, except for a highlighted fear of rejection I’ve developed as a concequence but which I’ve eventually overcome I’ve never really had any of these issues.
    On the contrary, I’ve always been top of the class, had higher studies, always been praised by my teachers for my excellent learning skills and expressive nature. In fact, many people who grew up motherless or fatherless are artistically gifted, due to their high sensitivity, which is I’m sure the case not only for me but for many people now reading my comment. Never have I ever smoked a cigarette or even been drunk. And I wouldn’t describe myself as less happy than other kids as a child. My point is that, sometimes one excellent parent and proper education are enough.
    I disliked this video because after watching it, a younger fatherless/motherless person would think of themselves as doomed to being less smart or less-than. Which is absolutely not true.
    ❤️ Prove them wrong child!

  • Lost my mother at age 12 to suicide. Later found out she never wanted children and had an abortion before me. Learning more about what was going on with her and her depression helped with the bitter feelings i had of being left behind however now at 30 i still struggle to connect and feel secure in relationships. Alan your videos have been very refreshing in simply identifying what is happening internally for me. Thank you for doing this.

  • When I was a child my mother was stone cold emotionally to me. My dad left when I was 6. I don’t know what it’s like to be unconditionally loved by a mother or father

  • Army wife? Hmmmm, red flag….
    The military warns men about having serious relationships with women while on active duty. I hope she was faithful to her husband, because only she is left to tell His Story…and it could be anything.

  • Yeah. My father when I was 19. We had no warm relationship. So, now I’m putting up with crumbs, and I’m hanging onto the promises. ��

  • I have a father with Multiple Sclerosis. Hes been in my life but physically seperate or unavailable at many times. Parents not together either.
    Does this count? Or is it more to do with afflicted parents??

  • I will NEVER understand how parent can leave his child and still go to bed with herself/ himself every night.
    And not thinking how much damage they did to their children. How their children will have trust issues…
    The video made me very emocional, it was very beautiful, really gotting the point?

    Whats the show when woman said:
    ,,Is all you wanna do hurt me?”

  • My 14 year old son just lost his father to suicide. They didn’t have the best relationship. His Dad was emotionally unavailable and lived far away. Thank you for making this video.

  • I haven’t really seen any of my parents until 4th Grade when they found out my Math grades went down. My younger siblings luckily didn’t have to suffer the way I did.

  • Your video has allowed me to recognize and understand what has been the most difficult truth to accept in my life. I thank you for waking me up so that I can begin the journey into healing this emotional scar and so that I can connect with my children so that they begin the heal the emotional connection with me. Well done

  • My dad’s present physically but not emotionally. He’s autistic like me so I guess it kinda makes sense that it’s hard for him to connect with people but god damn he doesn’t even respond to me when any topics related to my emotions come up. He yells at me about how he’s annoyed or he’s angry or he’s blah blah blah but the moment I want to /compromise/ about something that I don’t agree with he shuts off and doesn’t say anything or look at me. This has made it hard for me to be able to connect with people in general and I always feel like I’ve done something wrong when I share my feelings with anyone. Thanks dad, for uh, ya know, not getting help for your own issues.

  • I had no contact with my dad because my so called ‘mother’ never wanted anything from him
    He ended up passing away around July or August of 2016
    Last time I saw him I was 7…
    I can’t believe my ‘mother’ kept me away from the only non abusive family member I had for more than half of my life…

  • I lost my mother when I was 11 from cancer. I hate how I always have high expectations for myself and don’t actually get a lot done. I hate that I’m missing out on so many meaningful memories that would’ve majorly impacted me. And my dad is hardly even there for me

  • I actually do believe, in an ideal world, just because the parents have split up, doesn’t mean the children have to suffer or be effected in anyway, as i believe, as ling as the child feels lived by both parents and is not confused in anyway, then there shouldn’t really be a problem with that! But it doesn’t really work out that way does it!

  • Hi Alan, both of my parents are are alcoholics. my mother still is and my fathered died as i were 13. now,
    i´m 24. still today, i never felt an emotionl connection between someone.
    My mother just blames me, is totally unresponsible for her feelings/ no empathie towards me and my brother. That was the origin of self disrupting feelings that i was a burden
    and felt totally guilty for not keeping the family together or be guilty for my mothers problems. it was always very shallow
    talk without real interest, in my experience.
    On top of that i always felt that nobdody could ever love me, nor be interested in me.
    it´s very hard for me just to start conversations without shame for feeling so unexperienced. i can
    just interact logically, everything else feels weird, crazy. i feel that there is a big need to connect
    with others, but it is so hard without realtime guidance. it´s very very hard to crawl out of this.
    Or i just can´t let in persons who are interested in me. The defense might be on guard extremly, but that´s just mine
    interpretation. As i write this i feel the trauma. The loss of a parent, following an abscent mother, leaving me crushed.
    might it be a right step to speak with woman about this? lol or is this crazy, i have absolutly no clue what can i do or what
    i can´t, this brings me into desperation. I would describe myself as very indepentend emotionally, but with codependent personality traits.
    i´m still reading and searching for help….no connection skills, shame, no connection, isolation, no development. vicious circle.

    Alan thank you for beeing there for us,
    especially the group offer on your homepage is a great idea.

    Best wishes.

  • I lost my mum at 3 years. not to death. but she left due to domestic violence from my father.i grew up with my dad. I’m a woman. 28 now

  • i was 6 when my mom died of a rare form of cancer. i’m trying to figure more about all the stuff she went through (diagnostics, treatments, dates, etc) but i’m also trying to figure of some of the psychological effects it had on me. looking back to when i was in kindergarten, i threw up all the time and spent a lot of time with the nurse, i sucked my thumb a lot (which i was embarrassed about even that young), and other little things like that. i keep trying to search for the psychology behind things like that but i can’t find anything.

  • Let’s all remember that our parents are wounded children of disconnected upbringings as well,so they did the best they could with the trauma they carry as well.
    There needs to be no blame, just an end to this cycle of destruction by repairing ourselves ����

  • I lost my mom when I was 15. I’m now 24 and A lot of what your describing Is comming for me nod. Thank you for sharing your story and for helping others

  • My father left my mother before I was born because I was conceived, growing up he was almost never around, when he did contact me however he would manipulate me into thinking it was my mothers fault for his absence. I spent all of my young to mid teens pretty much being raised by my grandparents as my mother worked. I have bad anxiety and depression and I quit school due to continuous bad grades and bullies.

  • Three years ago I was 23 when my dad died of als when he was 48. I was in denial in his last days. he was over doing things cuz he thought he was He-Man. he was putting my car battery in my car for me and it was too much for him. His heart gave out at the auto store trying to carry the new battery to the register. I feel responsible because I wasn’t there to help. How to I make it feel like the black hole in my heart feel like it’s gone.

  • They grow up to be such losers who still believe that they have right to blame others for their own short comings. Get the fuck over it, forgive your parents, get on with life and stop being such betas.

  • Em Robot voice tooo much ha… Hey but what about if you are really abandoned in life? Are you allowed to feel the feeling of abandoned? And if you do embrace the truth well then what should you do emmm. Lol

  • i love just how most of the comments are about fathers.
    Meanwhile me here with absent
    mother and father almost my whole life living with my grandparents(rn just grand parent)��

  • so he knew how painful it is not to have a parent and he decided to take his life away and leaving his children for a women that barley cared about her son.

  • Er how can you talked to a friend or spouse if you are actually abandoned by people and you have decided to distant yourself from people and focus on your future..This makes moronic sense.. and then how make friends if ye distant yourself.. confusing if already cut off by everyone then saying your feeling abandonment.. Yes of course you are…but then do things in life on your own…which you’ve already been doing! Eh!! Well thank for the tips.. I think I will go sew a bed cover for 20 years and keep myself occupied.:)

  • Something that could also happen is the child growing trust issues. Terrified that they’ll be left again. They’ll be in pain, and be left to wonder what if. They’ll always wonder how it would have been if there parent had stayed.

  • Thank you so much for this Alan, wow! This video is spot on for me. I too lost my father abruptly at 14 years of age. Everything you said you are experiencing and how it has played out in your relationships is the same for me. sigh I’m in my 30’s and now realize that the trauma of losing my father is way deeper than I thought it was. I’m starting the journey today towards healing and maybe one day I can have an committed adult relationship

  • I used to live with random strangers until I was 13, since my dad worked two jobs and my moms a shopaholic. It didn’t really bothered me until I turned 19. Before I’d be confused sometimes of who’s my real parents are

  • I lost my Dad at 2yo, I feel very cheated. No one talked about him, it’s like he didn’t exist, I’m the youngest of five and I have yearned for my daddy all my life. My eldest sister seems to loath my father’s family, I didn’t get a chance to know them, but any time I do anything wrong, it’s my father’s side of the families traits that are blamed, that hurts so much, I have Autism, life has been very difficult, my mother is very manipulative, and I’ve grown up feeling like an outsider, I’m even called the after thought, in jest they claim. But I’ve internalized it, I have never felt wanted. Maybe my daddy would have loved me. I’m 47 and a mother of three, I don’t want my son’s to ever feel like I do. I had to create a family that wanted me.

  • I’ve had three families all who wanted me until they didn’t. Can only count on the OG friends. Their families are the ones that count.

  • A LOT OF THIS HAS TO DUE TO “MOUTH BREATHING” “OSD” “SLEEPING ISSUES” Look up “Finding Connor Deegan” on youtube and watch that. And when you have this breathing issue, AND Abandonment issues, then it’s really bad, can be.

    The underlying roots of these rejection issues are held onto by Satan/spiritual demons, who will grow these issues, if not confronted by the truth of God and Jesus Christ (I found this out the hardwayI am 39 now, and wish I would have known all this growing up.

    I hope this helps someone.

  • I was a very happy child till I was 4. My father died at that age suddenly in a car accident. I knew exactly what happened and I was devastated. I was young but my father and I had a very close relationship. I was daddy’s little girl. My mother would tell me I was the apple of his eye. I still remember the emotional bond.I hid my grief and new even that young to hide it. I hid myself essentially yet any moment could explode with emotion. I believed he would come back one day I told my mother he was in my pocket. I was always waiting for his return until I realized he was gone. I was so emotional yet hid the grief and as a result it got in the way of me expressing my needs.
    The original sunlight I experienced as a child was put on hold till now. As you say shut down this is so true. Letting go for me now is very difficult. The unrequited love dynamic is something I’ve done with any romantic partner who has had to leave when it was not up to me.
    Now I am healing the deep affect of this soul wound. Fear of abandonment is a challenge for me. Yet I have attracted a previous partner who has suddenly abandoned me more than once. His attachment style is not to hold on but to suddenly cut his partner off. I guess subconsciously I attracted him to work out a part of the abandonment I experienced so young.
    Thank you for this video. It’s very important!!

  • Honestly I feel like I can’t rely on either of my parents. My mom treats us like friends or even strangers and we are treated unfairly. I just have a lot of history with my dad—to the point it’s hard to rely or even have a relationship. I feel like I have to grow up quickly and mature quickly otherwise I’ll be burdened. I’m just 13 man I wanna be a kid for once

  • I have this thing called a daddy issue
    Usually I am a daddy’s girl people sometimes like my ‘god mom’ say
    Though I wish it was like that at times
    The sheer hatred of my father was bottled up
    After me and my dad helped eachother for years I guess he gave up
    My mom and I just stay away from him.
    Doing all the work
    I get called stupid because I don’t have good studies at math but only good at reading and writing
    It’s so hard to work in school because I don’t have the right mind
    People think I’m mindless
    I wish I didn’t look stupid
    This undeveloped brain was just not good enough
    I miss my dad and I
    But I also hate him
    my dad had left like aballoon in the wind

  • My parents were absent from me since i was very young but i got no 2 every exam but yeah they were like… THIS IS BCS YOU ALWAYS ON YOUR PHONE (over texting) since they only met me once every 2 years… Well srsly

    Im not okay

  • Absolutely not; it is understandable that someone who may not have been “fit,” might vanish without warning and believe it to have been in the best interest of the child. And likewise, it’s understandable that by the same (subjective and bias) opinion, that parent would later determine they had reestablished their mental health and return for their child, again without warning. But the fact alone that lapsed time was not taken into consideration before reappearing and expecting a child to immediately adjust demonstrates that the fictional person in this hypothetical situation was, despite their judgement, quite delusional. It’s impossible for sane minds to understand the broken reasoning behind choices made by the insane, but one would think that a recovered person would be less selfish and show their concern for the wellbeing of their child by perhaps phoning ahead, making arrangements, work at reestablishing a relationship, rebuilding trust instead of demand those things to be innate. Lastly, her unannounced return mirrors the same behavior as her departure so there’s no reason to think her anymore fit than before

  • Abandonment isn’t the reason he killed him self, geese!!! If it is then this guy didn’t care enough for his own kid to stick around and do it differently than what he got! Your given the gift of life and to make it better and He offs himself? Sorry I think this entire family is nothing but disjunction and ungrateful for the life they have been given! Some of us have even more shittier parents in life and decide to make our lives better!

  • I lost my father when I was 3. Our family had just emigrated to the USA from cuba when he died suddenly at age 39. I’ve been healing this wound with therapy for a very long time. And read many books on fatherless daughters and child development There’s always something more to learn. You’ve just added another piece. Thank you.

  • Really good content but the font used writing E backwards is really stupid…especially for dyslexic people. Teach, and present the material properly…we’ve been dumbed down enough!

  • My mom and dad are married but my father is always working and i just want to play with him and my mother is the only one i can be with my father is to busy then i became very aggresive and i hate that so like if you agree even though its work from home

  • It’s kind of funny listening to this. My dad and my mom are both completely distant. Felt like a house cat where they gave me food and shelter but just left me alone.
    As an adult now it feels bizarre how much trash they talked about me when I was doing poorly in school.

  • I lost my father when I was 5, (almost 6) and I never really understood why I was never really sad about that situation. Often, when I tell people that I lost my father they usually think that I might be really sad about it. My mother rarely talk about him, I could count with my fingers how many times she has talked about him. So I have no idea about the kind of person he was really. But, seeing your video made realize that I wasn’t really close to him, I was to young and I didn’t know him at all in a personal level, and even now. I am now 21 and My ex girlfriend whom I dated for three years, broke up with me 2 weeks ago, and we already broke up in the past. I felt isolated, depressed and really ancious every time we broke up even now, but I was never really in love with her, I never felt like I was emotionally connected to her but I stayed with her for 3 years and for aome reason when we break up I suddenly feel really awful for a relationship that I wasn’t even really invested.

  • As well as the absent parent, which is no fault of the child in the first place, but, when the parent that is there, wants involves you in all her resentments, making sure you know all about the bad things the absent parent does, true or not? (the way she sees it) Also making sure you understand, not only did he not want her, he didn’t want you either, And thats why he left!��

    Speaking personally this is how it was for us! And at the time you believe everything your mother tells you as you have no reason to doubt or see things differently! Its only when you grow up, you realise, Weather that is true or not, that is a very cruel and damaging thing to do to a child, something we had to endure growing up, amongst other things, which i made sure i never did to my children, but i do believe all children are different, but even so, why would you want to involve your child in your suffering? �� its just very selfish, although i don’t really believe she realised what effect it actually caused.

  • You know I hate to say this but abandonment used to happen all the time in the olden days and people got mates and made their own families and live their own life’s without living in torment about the past… some people need to move forward I don’t think that gets encouraged as much as it should

  • I can’t believe how much I relate to this
    My father was absent for my entire life, and we lived together
    I hate my dad
    I hate him
    The day he dies, no tear will be shed

  • I believe that if a parent or guardian abandons their children for whatever reason should not be allowed to have any parental rights. It effects the children and confuses them when a parent or guardian is gone and then reappears. My ex wife done the same thing and was found unfit in the State of Oklahoma. Child abandonment is a harsh and wrong thing regardless the reason. If your in a marriage and have children I believe you should speak to your spouse and work something out to where the other parent or guardian can seek parenting classes and counseling and remain in the childs life. Not necessarily do the parents or guardians have to remain together but if you truly want whats best for your children you will do whatever it takes to remain within their lives. Being a parent or guardian means dealing with tough situations and doing what you may not want to for the best interest of your child/children.

  • Lmao I wasn’t raised by my mom or dad. They left me with my grandparents. That shit hurt me growing up but I appreciate my grandparents and I meditate and im connected within myself more. Because of that pain I became more spiritual. I broke a cycle in my family. I will be the best parent for my kids and they won’t suffer like I did.

  • I knew my dad would die early but not this early, but I can’t tell the parent who’s missing to go get an MRI… Now I’m 26 with a mom who wants nothing to do with me even though I had high goals my whole life… She can go smoke and drink for all I care.��

  • My father left when I was 3 and didn’t pay child support. So to make ends meet, my mother stayed with my stepfather while he beat me.

    Having no father sometimes is better then having one. Grass isn’t always greener on the other side.

  • man….you just had me tear up…tears running down my face w/out even crying….I sorta’ froze where I was when my dad passed. I then was terrible in many relationships including friendships, but back then I was the one to be the terrible friend & or just pass up an important relationship. As I told my priest when my dad passed, “Why love anyone again”. However, then later in life; Yes, I went onto what you spoke about when I faced it again, I put up w/things as you said. Trying to keep the relationship on ‘track’ no matter, no matter what. My bro was 14 too & I was just about turning 18. However, my dad was SUPER strict & that affected my maturity level. I was his ‘sidekick’ & as I started to date he really couldn’t take it & we didn’t speak, w/in the same home, for over 2 years from16-17, 17.5…Yeah, so even w/any relationship between being overly controlled to losing him & the constant need to impress him; I think it really affected my emotional ‘stunt’ in maturity. Anyway, great video. I wish I could find a therapist like you. Your not near Boston are you, lol….

  • I really think you guys should do a video on an emotionallly absent parent that lived in the household with you. This happens so much, and the suffering is worse because you are looking at the parent every day as a kid, yet that parent has almost no response to you or time spent with you. Then you are a young adult with at least some of the issues you listed in this video. Thanks:)

  • Abandonment don’t bother me. That’s why I want everyone out of my life so I can sort this crap out and get used to it. Train to live the rest of my life alone. Sort it out and get my brain used to it as I feel it wants to process isolation and grow accordingly. F’n people why don’t they get out while the gettings good?? Growing old and dying alone in the wilderness only to be eaten does not scare me. The only pet peeve is I wish people would F. the hell off. Leave me alone.

  • What if the parent didn’t die and instead survived with severe brain damage? What it meant to me is that the grieving never ended because my dad was still there.

  • Hi Alan,

    Having ost my mother at 8 and came to this video looking for grief in acknowledgement of how to process through the absent loss of the relationship I already cognisant had known I am/have yet to grieve in terms of her death. BUT only a few minutes in it clicked that I had lost my father at aged 14 just like yourself… this almost exemplifies how I am unable to focus on that whole trauma, which was arguably much more traumatic than her passing a few years earlier. Just for some personal background, she passed from breast cancer, not super suddenly when I was 8. 6 Years later my father committed suicide after rapidly becoming emotionally and physically abusive a Jekyll and hyde good dad / bad dad scenario.

    Either way that video was enlightening and a total exhale for me! Clearly lots more work to do on this but thankful at 23 I’m beginning to start on the healing of being an orphan and research into the Erikson stages of childhood development as you suggested, great advice btw. Just wondering if you could make a separate video on losing both parents or if the same advice still applies? Or if you think there are any other variations? It would be of great benefit to my healing on this long and potentially arduous yet I’m sure rather enlightening, journey!

    Love from London and thanks again,
    Josephine Jones x

  • My dad remarried a horrible woman who treated me and my sister terribly. My dad became more distant from us and now I barely speak to him. I didnt have very good grades, I have terrible mental health, and I have trauma from some of the things my stepmom did while my dad just sat there and watched.

  • Good Lord. So basically, I’m the half of you who can relate to putting up with nothing in a relationship, who has a shit relationship with my mom, divorced from my dad and moved out in my teens…and her mom, my grandmother, is adopted…in an un-ending relationship with someone who is emotionally unavailable and who lost his mother at a young age (10?). So in essence i’m half of your experience in a “relationship” with the other half of your experience that lost a parent and thus didn’t learn good relationship skills. I don’t know whether to laugh or sigh heavily.

  • I have a black friend who doesn’t have a dad, and his father hadn’t met his dad either, his brothers and sisters had different fathers they haven’t met.

  • I lost my mom 10 years ago when I was 17 but was attached to her more than my dad. I was aware of the possibility of death and accepted it at an early age. It was difficult and hard to open up after she passed. Now I’m 27 and still learning about myself. I have a problem of always trying to make everything better for the people I interact with and get attached to the people who I can relate with.

  • I wonder though…What this means for children who are effectively orphans. My father was a good man, but he was always away at work being a truck driver. My mother was home, but horrible to me. She never paid attention to me. I did everything around the home. Even my brother was never home. And when my mother got a boyfriend…Let’s just say he was more interested in me, the teen girl.
    I raised myself. Jaded and alone, I learned to simply not trust adults. I learned that I can do it better on my own. And when I became truly alone, I realized that I understood none of what I actually needed to survive.

    Also, I finally understand why I’m bad at math and everything is confusing to me…

  • I use food to cope not drugs witch is also a coping mechanism to deal with my childhood trauma I don’t smoke drink or do drugs because I know it’s bad because I saw how messed up my stepfather and our roommate was after doing the drug so now I know how it messes people up and I eat to cope with the abuse and abandonment that I dealt with as a kid

  • I don’t think my mom or her sister ever processed the death of their mother at ages 12 and 7. Or the fact that a year later he remarried and his new wife didn’t want to raise someone else’s kids. So they lived with their grandparents. Mom has, scratch that, IS a borderline with narcissism traits. As an under developed person she married an under developed man, my father. Both suffered from arrested childhood development and never grew. As they both abandoned themselves they were never able to be present for me or my brother emotionally. 18:10 my love for my parents was based on an idealized love that I had hoped one-day I would receive. I can so relate to what you’re talking about here. It’s been easy for me through the years to project my own idealized love and two other people in unto what I think we have in our relationship be it friends family or romantic relationships. Hanging on past the expiration date even. Thank you for helping me understand why I was this way. I am working very hard to overcome my own shortcomings and gain better skills while building better relationships. I too have tolerated an absence of relating in a variety of relationships.

  • Why does it seem as though it is mainly men who are missing from the home than women? Why don’t men love their kids the same as women do? Why does a woman get shamed more if she leaves her kids than if a man does? And why can a man be fucken up majority of the childrens lives but ONE time
    In ten years since being a mother the mom falls into a deep depression and loses herself but the dad by them is working paying child support still no actual relationship with his children but him and his family deem this mother a failure? ( yes personal experience) tired of feel ashamed for finally giving into my mental and emotional exhaustion not to cause my children harm but because I just couldn’t carry the world anymore. Slowly after seeking therapy and support I’m lifting myself back up. But I can’t stand that the father to my children just considers himself so much more of value than me…. he can’t even show gratitude for me being who my kids needed but believes he should be able to bounce in our out as he pleases

  • I lost my mom when I was 16, five years ago. It has impacted myself and my relationship with my family as well as trying to grow up. Thank you for sharing your lessons, it was very understandable.

  • My dad was absent from my childhood because he was doing what he could to make sure I’m clothed and fed and have a roof over my head.
    Do I blame him or hate him?
    No. He did what he could because he loved me. I was just too full of myself to understand that.

  • Yep my parents were absent emotionally……and couldn’t be bothered to make time to spend time with us. I learnt more and experienced more from my friends parents who actually involved me more and took me out. I now seem to be with a guy who is emotionally absent and almost exactly like my mum. How can I be attracted to someone who is so emotionally cool, dismissive and critical like my mum! Thanks mum for setting my standards so low so I don’t even feel worthy of better treatment or even knowing what it feels like to be treated like I’m worthy.

  • Thank you for this video. I am 28 and experiencing the flood of emotions you described at age 27. I was 2 when my dad died and I really appreciate what you said about “crushing grief of not achieving the promise.” This put into words something I have felt but couldn’t describe. Thank you!

  • i grew up with my parents but never felt loved nor supported, i never felt their presence. for who i am today, it’s who i chose to be. or maybe i learned it by reading books and reading stuffs on the internet.

  • I lost my mother to cancer when I was 5 years old. Then my Dad who gambled over £250000 thousand pounds (including raiding our childhood savings) became an alcoholic and developed mental health problem which caused to leading to committing suicide when 17 years old. an imagine our childhood our traumatic time to say the least All 3 of us have survived and have good jobs but the pain of that time never leaves you. Plus does leave you with many issues. I have no memory of my mother which mean I have had the “experience ” of having a mother Which today

  • Why find her? Why reopen those wounds? Some people are a curse and can never bring others love or joy, and this poor excuse of a mother/grandmother won’t just magically start being loving and involved. Move on and live your best life with those who make an effort to be in yours.

  • My parents never got married and never plan to, they say they don’t want to.

    Should I be worried or is this normal? Everyone else’s parents are married and I’m getting worried about their relationship.

  • “you don’t know what it’s like, to wonder why the people that brought you into this world, the people that were supposed to love you more than anyone else didn’t” what is this from!

  • Hello. I appreciate all the info that you provide in your videos. They have been very helpful and comprehensive. When it comes to this topic could you possibly recommend any additional resources? I would like to learn more about it. Thank you.

  • Mental health is very serious, but I have zero remorse for Paul. He ruined his only child’s life forever & his wife’s. He took three lives that day & that’s the most selfish way you can leave this world behind.

  • “Falling in love with the potential, or what could come out of this relationship, instead of the actual quality of it” incredibly helpful……..

  • My dad left before I was born, he knows about me but left anyways… To his wife and three children and a baby on its way… Growing up my mom always said my dad was kind and funny n I used to ask if he was so nice why did he leave? Like if he didn’t want to be with my mom he could of less been there for me… I’m now 19 n I have been looking for him why? Idk but I can’t find him, I think it’s probably better that way or it’s better to pretend that he’s dead��‍♀️

  • I lost my grand mother when I was 13. I really didn’t think much about it but I realize now she was more of a mother to me than my own mother ever was. I didn’t feel anything when she died, not for 1.5 years. I was sucidal at that time, not only beacuse of her death, but her death was one of the major things that put me into this extreme non feeling state for such a long time. I’ve had a terrible relationship with both my parents my whole life, my grand parents were wonderful but when my grand mother died I just lost connection to everything. The two years before I turn 15 are just blank. Completely blank.

  • My mom passed away when I was 5 from brain cancer 7 years ago (on March 30th it will be 7 years). I had to grow up fast and my dad stopped taking care of himself in terms of diet and exercise. He also started drinking in around 2nd grade until I was in 4th grade. He wasn’t violent but there were beer bottles everywhere. He had to go to the hospital because of the drinking, but also apparently because he didn’t take his thyroid meds for over ten years (since my mom got sick). He’s fine now though and has done an iron man last year. I’m very young and can kinda see the impact it’s had on me. I have a lot of trouble opening up to people as I haven’t had that with anyone before. I have low self esteem and I can’t go in a hospital without freaking out. I’m very anxious all the time and have gone through years at a time of thoughts like death and stuff. The thing is, I don’t remember what happened too much besides small memories and images but I’m still messed up about it, and I don’t get it.

  • Robot voice sucks but it’s better than an unfamiliar language or someone with a strong accent that you wouldn’t be able to understand so at least with a robot voice you would be able to understand

  • I lost my father when I was 6, I am 12 now and since then my mom and i have moved 3 times. I am mentally exhausted but can still never sleep at night.

  • My dad was always there yet never there…. I was 5 when we shifted to another country while my dad stayed back in the country for his work.
    He used to come after every 2 years but stayed only for a month, that too was spent on others. We never got that bonding time….and now I don’t even believe in having a family, kids of any sort because I never saw my own family working out.
    Can we resolve this somehow?

  • I lost my father at 50 years of age, five and a half years ago. My father, an authoritarian, I feel we never really bonded. Always feeling guilty not being good enough, up to his expectations, being the oldest of 3 sons. One and a half years later I had and emotional, non-sexual affair with a woman, that was born the year I would could have had a sister, had my mother not chosen an abortion (which was her right to choose at 44 years of age, that my father disagreed with (and shared his grief indirectly/directly with me). I always tried to get my father’s approval, trying to please him, never feeling good enough. I feel there still is a lot of deep seated guilt for many different reasons. In your opinion, how does guilt fit into this and how did this affect grief post my father’s death? Can you help with your perspective please?

  • Thankfully for this video I was only nine when my mom was murdered + 29 when my father passed my father was not a part of my life I grew up without both parents just trying to understand why I feel so empty inside

  • I lost my dad at 17 years old I blamed myself for a long time (very long story and not a pretty one). My mom and I had never had a good relationship and I wasn’t living at home. I ended up running away for months and drank myself so I didn’t remember nothing!

    My life has been pretty crazy and messed and I’ve never dealt with life. I’m 39 years old now with 3 kids of my own like when I was little I pushed everything down and don’t deal with it.

  • Thank you Alan.
    I lost my Father at age 14.
    I just looked at this video so I could pass on some of your wisdom to my Grandchildren who lost their Dad, My Son when they were so young. It blew my mind. The information was so helpful as are all your videos.You are brilliant at explaining things and give so much of yourself. Thank you so much…

  • I don’t know why a mum or a dad could left. I mean, why? She/he’s your child.
    I hate you mum, I can’t forgive you.
    I’m trying, but I can’t.
    Great video, so sad to see how many people are without a perfect family.

  • Does anyone else ever notice with videos, like this, dealing with problems like abandonment or other trauma, they describe the problem with no actual solutions for people who are abandoned, they just talk to the hypothetical people who do the abandoning, people who don’t watch these videos because they are cold people who don’t give a shit about other people which is why they can abandon them? So these videos are like further abandonment? Or is it just me?

  • I was 17 when I lost my father 5 years ago. I am still a mess. Still havent processed it completely. His last words to me were “believe in yourself”… I have done anything but that all these years. Other bad experiences since then have made me totally numb to anything at all. Feel like I am in a dark hole and there is only one way out of it.

  • I feel like having a farther in you’re home, but having him completely absent in your life. Is a bit worse than not knowing you’re dad at all.

  • Thank you for sharing this video! It’s really insightful. My boyfriend lost his dad at age 15 unexpectedly. He also didn’t have a strong emotional attachment to his dad and I was curious about how it would effect our relationship now. I can see more clearly now.

  • Thank you Alan. I lost my dad when I was fifteen. I have done a lot of self help over the years to process everything. This video was the missing piece of the puzzle. Thanks for sharing your own experience. The loss of what I didn’t have and what I might have had haunted me for years until seeing your video. Now I can accept and understand. I know this will have a big impact on my life. Thank you again!

  • Господи,какая чувственная работа. Слов даже не находится. ��
    Чертовски печально,что люди,которых бросили родители чувствуют себя никому не нужными и в дальнейшем ��

  • Нет слов — одни эмоции. Вся работа, от музыки до использованных тобою сцен, получилась невероятно душераздирающей. Параллели шикарны! У тебя прекрасно получилось раскрыть эту непростую тему.

  • Thank you for this because most of my life my father was absent and, or emotionally abusive to me and my mother, not that long ago i got to tell him how i felt about him but he would never listen and instead say hurtful things to me, so knowing how much an absent parent can effect a childs health really makes me think that I dont need him at all and I just need the people who actually care for me, thank you for helping me realize that. <3

  • My parents never divorce but my father was always out at work full year. Then he will come for 3 days and that would be the best time.

  • After my parents divorced, my dad got custody of me and my siblings, while my mother stayed in South Korea, in compliance with her doctor’s recommendation. My dad treated me better than he treated my siblings, but he was pretty inactive in my life, not doing much beyond providing me some basics and treats. He was known to get irrational when upset and have unreasonable expectations on other members of the family. I lost a lot of respect for my dad when he disowned my sister for no good reason, and he was incredibly reluctant to reveal his financial information when I needed to apply for financial aid for college. My mother, by contrast, was physically absent for most of my life (she did visit me twice, though), but she looked out for me the best she can, while being on the other side of the world. My dad stopped contacting me sometime after I moved in with my sister during my college years, but I still message my mother sometimes. If my mother got custody of me and my siblings, then things might’ve been different, but having my dad physically absent from my life still would’ve messed me up. All the same, I guess it’s no wonder that I have trouble dealing with my negative emotions and difficult situations.

  • the most annoying part of the originals is when hope doesnt understand that her father couldn’t be there for her and with her because it depended on her life

  • my father wasnt absent in my life but my older sisters life cause i was born unhealthy
    my friend told me the she had anxiety, depression and insomnia cause of her parents
    and i breaks my heart

  • my parents got divorced because they both cheated i’m really confused why they didn’t think about me? i thought i was the daughter i thought parents were supposed to be there for you to care for you to be there for you. so when is mom and dad gonna act like parents? was i not good enough? what about me? what am i supposed to do? i don’t know. i got 3 f’s for 7th grade yet my mom still didn’t care about me the way i wanted her to. and wanna know about my dad? i’ll tell you he tried to take my virginity at 7-8 i knew what sex was but i didn’t want to do it he was the first person to show me porn. i used to steal pills from his moms bathroom just so he could pop some and move on. why couldn’t i be a kid with good parents and a decent childhood? i really wish they could love me that’s all i want please someone love me without hurting me everyday.

  • Personally if they didn’t care I don’t want them there. That goes for anybody. I don’t need emotional baggage because of these people I don’t live for them anyway. That is how I see it maybe I’m just a stronger person than most. People live with this dream that life is supposed to be fun, loving, and easy you need to wake up to reality.

  • Yep, it’s all true. My mom went crazy when I was four, and in her madness she divorced my dad and ran off with another man. Tried to take me and my sister with her, but luckily didn’t get away with it. She got custody of me several years later, but she didn’t deserve it. The damage was done, and I eventually moved out anyway. So yeah, I grew up ages 4 to 12 without my mother, and now I’m 31 years old and have still never been in a relationship before. She really crippled me. If there’s one thing I want to say to people, it’s this: once you commit yourself to somebody, STAY committed to them and DON’T DIVORCE.

  • Seeing a shrink is the same as getting high. All they want to do is get you high. I rather have a couple a beers, and just live out the rest of my life. This world is so cold. Don’t do this! Don’t live your life like that. Every aspect is judged no matter how good, or how bad you’re doing. SMH