Broaching the topic Your Son Or Daughter’s Knowledge of Adoption


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What adopted children think you should know

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5 TIPS on ADOPTION and MENTAL HEALTH | Kati Morton, Therapist | Kati Morton

Video taken from the channel: Kati Morton


Understanding the Adopted Child

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BONDING WITH ADOPTED CHILD VS BIOLOGICAL CHILD. #adoption #fostercare Adoptive bond.

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This will ultimately be a very personal decision between you and your partner. Knowing what kids are capable of understanding at different ages may help you plan out how you want to broach the topic. In general, there are two schools of thought on when a child should be told they were adopted. If you are feeling uncertain about broaching the subject with your child, seek out other adoptive parents and talk to them. Finding a community of.

Children’s curiosity about their adoption story is a normal part of growing up. Open and informative discussions are crucial for the development of your child’s sense of self. Infancy to Two. When broaching the subject of adoption or birth family history, a good place to start is by asking questions rather than sharing information. Inquiries about what the child remembers, wonders, worries, or fantasizes about will give parents an opportunity to “start where the child is.”.

Explain your children’s birth father to the extent that your situation allows. If they are able to have an open adoption and have a relationship, much of this understanding with grow from that relationship. For others, you will have to explain to your child. Read Related Content: Adopting a Child: Ensuring That You’re Ready A Healthy Start: Bonding With Your Adopted Baby Broaching the Subject: Your Child’s Understanding of Adoption The Chosen One: Announcing an Adoption and Bonding With Baby Support for Fertility Challenges. Get the Answers You Need The Chosen One: Announcing an Adoption and Bonding With Baby Broaching the Subject: Your Child’s Understanding of Adoption Adopting a Child: Ensuring That You’re Ready For Expecting Mothers: Deciding Whether Adoption Is the Right Choice Post-Adoption Depressive Syndrome: It’s Not Unusual to Feel Sad After an Adoption.

Adoption specifics are private and do not need to be shared. However, it is important the teacher and principal are aware of possible behavioral issues and a basic understanding of how anxiety, fear, grief, and anger from your child’s early lives can impact their school experience. A child who was adopted often struggles with understanding the reasons behind adoption placement. Not only do children often look to blame themselves for their adoption placement, but they often create fantasy worlds about their birth families.

With open adoption, they don’t have to fear the worst or play make-believe. Adoptinfo. In Parenting Your Adopted Child: A Positive Approach to Building a Strong Family (McGraw-Hill, 2004) by Andrew Adesman, M.D., Dr. Adesman emphasizes that no matter how old your child is, or what the reason for the adoption, one best explanation is that the birthparents were unable to be parents.

This covers all situations and takes the burden off the child, who may fear that he or.

List of related literature:

Furthermore, when adoptive parents can demonstrate their understanding of the child’s emotional needs by providing this information, it can enhance their child’s trust in them.

“Infertility Counseling: A Comprehensive Handbook for Clinicians” by Sharon N. Covington, Linda Hammer Burns
from Infertility Counseling: A Comprehensive Handbook for Clinicians
by Sharon N. Covington, Linda Hammer Burns
Cambridge University Press, 2006

Often the child’s adoption is revealed when asking about birth or family history, but if the child is unaware of the adoption the parents might deflect the questions to a later time so they can provide the information without the child learning of their adoption.

“Maternal Child Nursing Care in Canada E-Book” by Shannon E. Perry, Marilyn J. Hockenberry, Deitra Leonard Lowdermilk, Lisa Keenan-Lindsay, David Wilson, Cheryl A. Sams
from Maternal Child Nursing Care in Canada E-Book
by Shannon E. Perry, Marilyn J. Hockenberry, et. al.
Elsevier Health Sciences, 2016

Although parents should decide when and what to tell their child about adoption, it can become problematic if the child first learns about his or her adoption from someone other than a parent.

“Normal Family Processes: Growing Diversity and Complexity” by Froma Walsh
from Normal Family Processes: Growing Diversity and Complexity
by Froma Walsh
Guilford Publications, 2012

Parents should expect the same or similar questions repeatedly, and that during the preschool period the child’s cognitive limitations make it likely the child will not fully understand the meaning of adoption.

“Nelson Essentials of Pediatrics” by Karen Marcdante, Robert M. Kliegman, Richard E. Behrman, Hal B. Jenson
from Nelson Essentials of Pediatrics
by Karen Marcdante, Robert M. Kliegman, et. al.
Elsevier Health Sciences, 2010

• Discussions of the adoption should be open, keeping in mind the child’s developmental stage, cognitive abilities, and emotional needs.

“Pediatric Primary Care E-Book” by Catherine E. Burns, Ardys M. Dunn, Margaret A. Brady, Nancy Barber Starr, Catherine G. Blosser, Dawn Lee Garzon Maaks
from Pediatric Primary Care E-Book
by Catherine E. Burns, Ardys M. Dunn, et. al.
Elsevier Health Sciences, 2012

At this age, parents should continue to build the factual foundation that will help full comprehension later on and instill a sense of pride and positive feelings about adoption.

“Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft Revised Edition” by Mary Hopkins-Best
from Toddler Adoption: The Weaver’s Craft Revised Edition
by Mary Hopkins-Best
Jessica Kingsley Publishers, 2012

The child’s sense of trust in others and commitment to the adoptive family are also helpful.

“Cambridge Handbook of Psychology, Health and Medicine” by Andrew Baum, Stanton Newman, John Weinman, Robert West, Chris McManus
from Cambridge Handbook of Psychology, Health and Medicine
by Andrew Baum, Stanton Newman, et. al.
Cambridge University Press, 1997

That adopted children did not need information about their origins, that adoptive par­ents would fully replace a child’s original family, and that a birthmother should move on with her life without further thoughts of the lost child were widely held beliefs of this period.

“Encyclopedia of Human Relationships: Vol. 1-” by Harry T. Reis, Susan Sprecher
from Encyclopedia of Human Relationships: Vol. 1-
by Harry T. Reis, Susan Sprecher
SAGE Publications, 2009

Adoptive parents should receive information about the children’s cognitive understanding of adoption so that they can be prepared to answer their own child’s questions at the appropriate developmental levels.

“The Psychology of Adoption” by David M. Brodzinsky Associate Professor of Developmental and Clinical Psychology Rutgers University, Marshall D. Schechter Professor of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine (Emeritus)
from The Psychology of Adoption
by David M. Brodzinsky Associate Professor of Developmental and Clinical Psychology Rutgers University, Marshall D. Schechter Professor of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine (Emeritus)
Oxford University Press, USA, 1990

In a fully open adoption, birth parents and adoptive parents write or visit according to their original agreement and improvise the rules as they go along.

“Lost & Found: The Adoption Experience” by Betty Jean Lifton
from Lost & Found: The Adoption Experience
by Betty Jean Lifton
University of Michigan Press, 2009

Oktay Kutluk

Kutluk Oktay, MD, FACOG is one of the world's foremost experts in fertility preservation as well as ovarian stimulation and in vitro fertilization for infertility treatments. He developed and performed the world's first ovarian transplantation procedures as well as pioneered new ovarian stimulation protocols for embryo and oocyte freezing for breast and endometrial cancer patients.

Mail: [email protected]
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  • I wish I could track down my birth parents:( they gave me up but used fake names. I’ve tried private investigators who only turn up the fake names:( would be nice to have closure and visit home

  • I love what you said in this video! I’m in the process of adopting my son out of the foster care system and I am sharing the experience over on my channel. Opposite to you, I am hoping to have a biological child after the adoption and then continuing to foster.


  • Very good info. I was adopted when I was 6 years old. My family (Mom or Dad’s) never treated me any different than anybody else.,heck they never even talked about to me until I was over 40. I was truly blessed. New Subscriber here. My channel is for mature women (BUT has NO age barriers) who love fashion and beauty.

  • I love that you brought up the fact that it’s okay if you don’t “feel” as bonded to your adopted child at first as long as you show them the same love you’d show a bio kid! Love is an action, not just a feeling ��

  • Some of the most annoying and hurting things I’ve ever heard, as an adopted child, are:

    “Did you always know you are adopted?” of course, I’m not some Disney character. I know some parents might lie, but in most cases it’s pretty obvious if you are blood-related to your family or not, for example, my father’s and mother’s hair is black/brown, and their eyes are brown/slight blue, but my eyes are greenish-blue and my hair is strawberry blonde, so it’s pretty easy to see.

    “Do you think your family is really your family?” of course I do, they’re the best things in the world for me. They’re my family, and I love them.

    “Do you want to meet your bio parents?” that question might depend on your situation. I for once, never want to meet my bio parents. I’m aware of the fact circumstances might have forced them to give me up, but I still feel abandoned. I don’t hate them, but I’ve got my own family now, people who love me and care for me. My twin sister does want to meet our bio parents, so maybe she’ll go through it.

    “You don’t have any real parents” I remember being told that in middle school, and I remember having fights with kids trying to convince them I’m really a part of my family. It’s so annoying and hurtful when people say that, just because we don’t share the same blood doesn’t mean we’re less of a parent and child.

    “How does it feel to be an adopted child?”…
    Aside from that, being adopted also gave me a really deep appreciation to my life. It’s not necessarily a bad thing to be an adopted person.
    I don’t care if people ask me questions about it, but sometimes people ask really stupid stuff
    If i’ll ever want to start a family, I’m adopting. Take in someone who does not have anybody.

  • My experience has been each of our biological children and each of our adoptive children are unique to each child, their personality and their needs. For new parents, try not to let outsiders questions get to you, just like with every parenting advice and judgement we experience, no one else knows you or your children like you do. ��

  • I have a step daughter I met at 16 months, a 11yr old foster almost adopted and a 2yr old foster from birth almost adopted. I feel very different bonds with each of them because they all met me at different developmental changes. They bond differently to you depending on what they need. I feel most bonded to the two year old but I am still bonded to the other two but they don’t need me the same way the baby needs me.

  • 1 Corinthians 15:1-4 Authorized (King James) Version (AKJV)

    15 Moreover, brethren, I declare unto you the gospel which I preached unto you, which also ye have received, and wherein ye stand; 2 by which also ye are saved, if ye keep in memory what I preached unto you, unless ye have believed in vain. 3 For I delivered unto you first of all that which I also received, how that Christ died for our sins according to the scriptures; 4 and that he was buried, and that he rose again the third day according to the scriptures:

  • I’m trying to find my biological parents in haiti. I was adopted and I live in America. Im only 15 but I have faith I will find my parents and siblings

  • A lot of these people that take kids in just want someone to mow their yard while getting paid by the state and having the neighbors and church people think they’re these big altruistic people. And just look at that one congress woman (I forget her name) that keeps reminding everyone that she took in 10 or so kids… as she charges forward with her political aspirations!

    You kids need to know that you’ll ALWAYS be looked down upon due to your own parents not wanting you. Just suck it up….!

  • Hang in there ok. I can tell from your words that you have a great head on your shoulders. I am living proof that it will all work out ok…….

  • parents did all of ths it still hurts me everyday to think im not good enough im only 17 years old and i drink and smoke everday to deal with it i wouldnt wish being adopted on my worst enemy

  • Thank you I’ve been struggling with being adopted, I used to think that no body loved me because my real mom and dad didn’t. I still don’t know my real parents, but I’m happy with who I’m with.

  • My story for being adopted was dark, and not something you would tell your child….i feel the damage is done and i will never heal, but im always healing.

  • Thank you for tackling the topic of adoption. I’ve been learning about Nancy Verier’s concept of the “Primal wound”, which, through research and as an adoptee, I find to be an important concept to cover as well.

  • Hi I’m 11 I was adopted at 8 I was able to see my real dad but that changed he left for drugs disappeared from the face of the earth and I am broken my mom says she hates my real parents and says I will never be able to see him again so now I’m really sad

  • I was so happy to find this video on adoption. I’m an adult adoptee that has been struggling with being adopted all my life. What I’d add to your information is that a very important book written by Nancy Newton Verrier, “The Primal Wound,” is crucial for the adoptee and others in the family to be able to begin to understand the adoption/adaption experience.

  • I was adopted…I found out at 12 yrs old when,someone at school told me,,then my mom said how I was adopted and that my birth mom was a drug addicted prostitute….,my adopted mom we bipolar and munchousens.,she fed me meds I shouldn’t have. taken…so I’ve struggled with addiction and I’ve also attracted many cluster B men….I’ve recently been diagnosed with STPD.,.

  • Hi Kati! When’s the best time to disclose to the public that you are adopted?

    P.S. I work in a clinic where I give Psychological Tests to Future adoptive parents:) This video makes me love my work all the more. Thank you!

  • Thanks for sharing your story! My lil brother (R.I.P. Jason) were both adopted together (I was 5 & he was almost 4yrs old). Unfortunately, we didn’t have a living mother as yourself! Quite the opposite! She was very abusive to us & even covered up the fact that her only bio child (her son) raped & sodomized me til the time i was 10yrs old! There was NO motherly bond between us! But my Daddy (R.I.P.) was kept in the dark about this until i was 18 (4yrs after she left us & divorced my Daddy!) He was so much different than her! He was my ��,my rock, my joy,, & my biggest cheerleader in life! The bond we had was so very strong & he’s now passed away from cancer about 5yrs ago! I just turned 44 in March & i miss my dad dearly everyday! I’ve never felt a bond like that or a love like his from anyone else in my life!! Anyways, thank you for being an excellent role model & mother of an adopted child who loves & treats her no different! I wish there were tons more like you! I wish i had had a mother-daughter bond but i thank God for the bond & love i shared with my Dad! God Bless you & other families like yours! ��������

  • 5# is extremely helpful to know. My therapist mentioned this and recommended that I do some research tonight(which is why I’m watching this video). I’m adopted with amazing parents yet still have some self worth issues along with generalize anxiety. I’m way too critical of myself.. I always jump to negative conclusions about myself..struggle internally when accepting any kind of compliment.

    It’s like I subconsciously don’t value myself. I have to battle these negative thoughts constantly throughout the day.

    My birth mother did drugs in the womb and i was hospitalized for months after birth. I think being isolated without a mother for the first 6 months is a source for my self worth issue. I feel relieved knowing that connection.

  • Thank you for making this video. I am adopted & the part about the lack of help when you needed it made me think about how I had to rock myself to sleep because I had to self soothe. I never really thought about it until now when she brought this topic up. Thank you so much.

  • Does anyone have any suggestions when you first brought the child (3 years old) home from another country and he is throwing a tantrum and crying all the time? I’m not sure what methods to try to adjust him to his new home beside from buying him toys or lying to him that he is just at this house temporarily.

  • I grew up knowing I was adopted. As I went through puberty I hit the identity stage of my life and struggled. I couldn’t identify who I was like my mum or dad, if I had siblings out there, where my personality traits came from, etc. I am now in my late 20’s and find it hard to relate to my family that raised me but we have a lot of history. I know my birth parents, feel emotionally connected to people for the first time but there is no history.

  • I lost my family numerous times before age 7, so this damage followed me into my adoption I think I was borderline psychotic without help for decades. When parents yell, criticize and doubt it doesn’t help heal back what was missed out on in earlier life.

    It took me until my forties to take an honest look at what happened and seek a path to health.

  • “where do you feel it in your body?”
    “it’s an attachment device”
    “you have a real sensitivity to energy”
    ….just some of the bull crap that can come out of an adoption therapist’s mouth.

  • My stepmom only adopted me for the money I believe. She’s always talking about how when I grow up how I’m going to make money and give it to her. Makes me feel worthless.

  • I have no biological children, but adopted my son at birth. It took four months before I didn’t feel like someone had just handed me a random child to take care of. It was terrifying, because I was afraid there was something wrong with me, and that I would never bond with him. I was also afraid that I would’ve bonded faster with a biological child. The guilt I felt was crushing. Thank you for sharing your experience with postpartum and how it affected your bonding experience. It’s reassuring to know that can happen whether our child is biological or adopted. My son is about to turn two, and the bond that I was afraid would never develop is now completely unbreakable��

  • I can relate to this. I’m in foster care but with a family member and it has been very tense and recently another aunt asked me if I’d like to stay with them and I felt so accepted because they WANTED me to stay, they aren’t doing it because they have to. Foster children grow up too fast. I know I did. I had to care for my dying mother and death with an abusive father at 14. For everyone out there, my advise: listen, accept, be gentle, love them and let them love you when they’re ready.

  • For teenagers, what do you have to say about the adoption anxiety, as I call it, when they are placed in an adoptive home, and before the adoption is finalized, kids try very hard to sabotage it as they feat the unknown…even though they love being adopted?

  • I was abandoned at 3months and adopted at 5 i am 15 now and i have never met another adopted person i feel as if i don’t belong and i have trust issues i don’t know what to do i find it hard to make stable relationships with people i am an introvert. I have low selfesteem. I have one friend and i am so thankful for her but sadly she isn’t adopted so she isn’t able to understand how i feel as much as i would like her to. When i tell other people that i am adopted they have a blank expression as if they are scared. I have looked into adoption support groups but there aren’t any in my area. What do i do?

  • Im adopted since born. Its hard but life must go on. In the near future i am willing to adopt a child to give him/her love.
    Being an adopted person its hard, but remember, many people will say that YOU ARE LUCKY! Sometimes we feel uncomfortable by hearing that When someone say that to you Just answer those persons. I am not lucky!
    I am blessed to have my adoptive parents

    Be strong like a mountain.
    Be calm like a sea.
    Be smart
    Be kind
    Be courageous
    And be grateful.

    One thing! If someone say to you that you are worthless or whatsoever just replied i am worthy like you coz we all have our own purpose in life. My purpose is to give Love and received their love.

  • I was adopted…I found out at 12 yrs old when,someone at school told me,,then my mom said how I was adopted and that my birth mom was a drug addicted prostitute….,my adopted mom we bipolar and munchousens.,she fed me meds I shouldn’t have. taken…so I’ve struggled with addiction and I’ve also attracted many cluster B men….I’ve recently been diagnosed with STPD.,.

  • Shut the FUCK up.Being adopted is sometimes caused by NOT ENOUGH MONEY, or no house.You take a step in an adopted kid’s shoes,like me.You don’t know nothing about being adopted because you probably AREN’T adopted.

  • I stumbled upon this video and it was very helpful I was adopted and im 14 i wish my parents told me about my adoption when I was younger to this day they still haven’t told me everything but………this video was helpful and thank you for someone who actually isn’t mean about being adopted thank you

  • I am adopted since birth and like when people get all weird about it I’m all -_I was 6 days old, it took that long for the paperwork. It feels weird having people assume things that aren’t true, so if someone has a traumatic story that’s their story to tell but don’t assume that just because someone is adopted. A lot of it has to do with your age of adoption, babies don’t know anything. Also, I don’t call the person who had me my mother, she isn’t, I have one already. So I do think you should use the words that the person tells you to use when they correct you on it. It might be different for other people, but she’s not my birth mother, she’s the woman who birthed me. Other people might feel differently, but that’s how I feel. My mother is the only one who gets the title of being my mother, unless on the off chance vampires are real and a girl turns me into one. lol You have to leave the door open to possibilities. lol

  • I actually felt the opposite about knowing very young. It seems to have left me with abandonment issues knowing that my mother didn’t want me. What was stopping my new parents doing the same thing to be as well?

  • My was adopted into my family when he was seven and everything in this video rings really true for things I’ve seen him go through. Now he can verbalize his story of growing up and he understands what happened in his life. I have to say one of the very best things for him was going through occupational therapy. There were a lot of child development phases he missed because of so much disregulation and disruption and trauma when he was young.

  • This is not a comment on the video, but just on working with adoption therapists in general. After dealing w/ trauma, grief, anger and other related challenges, I came to develop a deep and genuine relationship with a musical instrument. It came naturally, I progressed quickly, and I now teach and perform. My therapist labelled it an “attachment device”. I moved forward without her direction. My advice to you if you’re trying to find your own voice in this world of many voices…keep checking in with YOUR own internal guidance system.

  • I was really hoping this video would be about placing for adoption, especially after your video on whether abortion is right or not…:(

  • I’m really happy to see this video. I, myself, was not adopted, but I really want to adopt a child in the future and these are things I may not have realised to even address much, if at all. My cousin (adopted when he was 5 and I was 8 legally, but moved in with my aunt and uncle the year previous) were really close, both having mental illnesses and being the “black sheep” of the family. I noticed a little bit of curiosity about his biological family. He had memories of the abuse he got from them as an infant, but not much more, to my knowlage. Originally, he preferred to just think of them as dead because it made him going in the system less painful that way. As he got older, he thought about trying to find them. I think that’s how he found out about having siblings from them. The last time I saw my cousin, he decided he wanted nothing to do with them because of what we know of them. It was not a topic disgust with him, at least as far as I know (I spent the most time at his house out of the family, to the point that his mother(my aunt) was less “shy” about treating my uncle and cousin like crap in front of me compared to the rest of the family…She NEVER should have been approved to adopt). Him and I really only opened up with each other, and I, looking back, see his frustrations with being adopted and how little he truly knew about it. Even seeing that, I may not have realised to make it a regular topic if I get approved to adopt one day. I need to sort out stuff with myself before applying, but I’m hoping to apply in my early 30s and I’m 27 in 2 months, so I’m starting to think about this stuff a bit. Thank you for posting this. ^_^

    I’m going to show this to my adoptee friends and family this for their individual thoughts on it too. Thank you for addressing this topic. ❤

  • I’m 17 and I was adopted as a lil tiny baby (after I got out of the hospital for like 3 months since I was premature!) and my adoptive parents handled it greatly as a grew up and started to ask questions. I feel very comfortable with the fact I am adopted.

  • Thank you Kati, I have been watching most of your videos. I really enjoyed this video. I was adopted at 3 months. I am 50 now.
    I have most of the issues an adopted person has. I would like to find more info on where I can go to get support either one on one or on a blog group support. Can you please send me links that will point me in the right direction. Thank you. Ian:) [email protected]

  • i guess i didnt process through a lot and ended up with BPD

    i am just very happy i was able to know i have BPD because i thought everything that i was feeling and hating about my life at times was just my autism

    right now i have a decent handle on my BPD not full control i can tell it has taken over a bit because it undoes the OCD and i will jump around in my watch later list and go to game plays people uploaded instead of sticking to the straight list

    i also can tell the difference between a full pull now and half a pull so i have been clearly making sure when i give somebody advice like tytsports guy they know exactly what i mean and cant misinterpret it

    tytsports guy got himself addicted to hot pockets the chemicals in hot pockets are made to do that and rewire the entire body to not be able to eat anything else but the chemically made hot pocket

    so i told him heat up the hot pocket but make sure whiles its heating up that you get a bowl of fruit eat some of the fruit while you are waiting for it to cool off and have some fruit right after you finish (that way the taste of the hot pocket will also go away) it worked he is no longer addicted as for if he has completely stopped eating them i also dont know

    he did say he was able to eat only a half of one and not a full one but that was the last thing he made very clear and then he talked to cenk about me working there and cenk was just like you to and cenk said he already promised tytcomedy guy no interview and it is 100% i will get the job in 2018

    so i am back for good and if i ever cant tell the difference between a half pull and full pull i will just assume its half pull and leave things alone

  • my aunt tried to adopt several times but it kept falling through she is still in contact with vlad so that at least is a good thing (he was the first one she tried to adopt) sadly vlad has a horrible story that comes along with why he was never adopted and my aunt was so close to getting him

    11 where vlad lives is also adult age so it also made things harder by the time certain things were figured out and a lot of things happened he had turned 11 meaning he could no longer be adopted

    what my aunt at one point was thinking was if there would be a way for him to come to america and then maybe through some loopholes adopt him that way

    since he was going to school and i think college now it would have been way to hard and might mess up his life more to take that chance so she just talked to him over facebook he still will call her his online mom

    carley was another one she was thinking of adopting she was a foster mom for her for some time and decided that it would be to complex to keep her and another family wanted her anyways so until that family was settled in she just kept carley for a set amount of months

    sadly that family didnt work out for carley my aunt thinks she was abused there and i told her she should have tried to get carley back but with my aunts work and starting up another business it wasnt remotely possible

    my aunt now has 2 businesses and lots of animals around the house to take care of because of my uncle and his bunny farm several cats and 1 dog (they never got married just lived together for over 20 years now)

    adopting can be worth it if you dont want to have a baby and want a child who can tell you what they want and need (thats why my aunt was going for 7ish in age) that is also when a child is less likely to be adopted and they were able to give her the attention she needed and my grandmother would play games with her as well

    if you have that family atmosphere it does make it easier you just need to treat the 7 year old like a baby for awhile but at least they get to say what they need and want and will understand the reasoning to no most of the time but like with any child fight the no

    thx for this awesomely ha bisky vid

  • I’m a 15 year old lesbian who will probably adopt a kid some day, so this is really helpful! I wanna be the best mom I can be to my future kids. <3

  • I’m a birth mom. We have an open adoption. I gave birth to twin boys over three years ago and chose adoption due to my epilepsy and severe depression. I get to video chat with them a lot and get tons of photos. They will always know I am their birth mom and that we all love them unconditionally. We are all a team for them and their health and happiness is what we live for

  • Dear any adoptive parents!! Tell your kids the truth from when they are a young age!! I always knew the truth and it’s always felt normal to me, I struggle with mental health but atleast I know why and I don’t have to feel like something is wrong with me

  • Exactly! Thank you. Also: Please don’t say that I am adopted (not you, Kati; I mean those who do say that):). I was adopted. It happened in the distant past. LOL. It’s hard to always know the ethnicity and health history. The parents don’t always know all the facts about the birth parents. PS I grew up with insufficient self-soothing skills and terrible OCD, eating problems and depression. I did recently meet my bio fam, though! Lovely people!

  • #katiFAQ hi kati i was wondering how two mental illnesses can afect how ethier of them afect your mind/body.
    thank you so much for answering if you do best wishes haven
    p.s. you were the one that put words to how i felt and contenue to feel thank you for starting this chanel it has helped so many including me

  • Kati, I came across your videos a few years ago and have never commented until now. I just want to say thanks. Your videos have answered so many questions for me! After about a year of just soaking in all your info and cyber encouragement I was able to reach out and get a counselor of my own. The fact that you spend so much time making these videos and commenting to people for free is AMAZING. I feel like I owe you so much $ for all the free therapy I’ve gotten!!

  • As an adoptee, I entirely agree with what you said. And thnx for making an honest vid on the subject.
    Becoming yourself is a lifelong journey and at times a struggle for us who are adopted. And these days it’s even more challenging with the polarizing climate wrt race and cultural heritage (especially so for those internationally adopted).
    But there’s also a bright side; adoptees learn already at a very young age that really nothing in life is set in stone, and that there’s no “us” without putting an effort in acceptance and inclusion. Among adoptees “intersectionality” is a very real and experienced something, which makes them good advocates for diversity & inclusion.

  • I’m adopted and this video was SO GREAT! Thank you Kati! A book I have found super helpful is “20 Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew”. It is AMAZING! I read it and realized I wasn’t alone and my way of thinking was actually “normal”! I read it, wrote notes in the book, and then made my mom read it to help her understand why I act and think a certain way. Here is the link! I highly recommend it for all my fellow adopted kids!:)

  • I’m not an adoptee but my husband is, as are all his siblings. They’re in their 30s and 40s and were adopted during the “Baby Scoop Era” in the US where young unwed mothers were often pressured or even forced to give their children up, and records were sealed from both the birth parents and the children and their adopted parents. The mental health issues that came out of this era of human rights atrocities (for both the birth parents and the adoptees) are widespread and numerous and include anxiety, PTSD, and personality disorders for the birth mothers, and increased rates of depression, addiction, and identity crisis issues for the adopted children. In many states, records are STILL completely sealed and in others, getting the records open can take years. Among the people I know who have sought a search and reunion with birth parents, getting ‘rejected’ a second time by a birth parent is unbearable. And rejection is common, as these birth mothers often buried the painful incident of having their baby taken from them, were forced to never speak of it to relatives or friends, and later in life never told their husbands or children about the teen pregnancy and adoption that they’d experienced. As you can imagine, the mental health issues out of these situations are intense.

    I think this video is great. Just wanted to put this out there as there are many important mental health issues related to adoption not mentioned in this video.

  • I was adopted at 9 months from a very poor orphanage in china that had two caregivers to fifty children. I was severely malnourished and very sick when I was adopted. I have pretty high anxiety, low self worth, and am very hard on myself and my former therapist said that probably has routes in the period of time where I didn’t get my needs tended to or maybe even got yelled at for crying because I am always afraid to cry on a fear-based level. I self stimulated very badly as a kid from rocking to hitting my head on the wall. That has manifested to stimming and fidgeting and “symptoms” that I share with my autistic friend (though I’m allistic). I’ve found as I’ve grown older I’ve understood more about my situation and given myself more slack for the strange things I do or strange things I feel. Thank you so much for this video. I feel that adoptee issues never get talked about and it’s always about how hard it is on the parents when we’re struggling just as much, in maybe a less vocal manner.

  • Very helpful! I just sent this to my brother. He adopted a year and a half ago, I know he’s a few short years away from the adoption discussion.

  • Thank you Kati for putting into words some concepts around adoption which totally made sense to me as I was watching this video. Incredibly helpful as an adoptee. Wow! So much to work on in therapy and I am definitely going to take this video and speak about this, navigate my way through speaking my own story. Thank you

  • I’m almost sure I have bipolar II, but I can’t afford therapy and therefore a diagnosy. There is a doubt that consumes me: maybe I just talked myself into it through all the research I have done, but, on the other hand, I really struggled with depression, suicidal thoughts, cutting and then what I suppose is hypomania, with the anger, great ideas, impulsivity and so on. I just don’t know what is real anymore and I’m so disoriented because of a mixed episode I’m going through. I can’t control my feelings and I don’t understand how I can break this filter that makes me look at reality either so positivly or so negativly that I can’t cope anymore.

  • thanx for this video Kati. I was adopted from India when I was 10 weeks old. when I was younger my parents bought a book on adoption (it was written for kids) and they would read it to me and we would have discussions about what we had read.

    Again this video has helped a lot. thanks for making it

  • Kati, do you have any advice for how to deal with anxiety stemming from a phobia? I have an intense phobia of bugs, and I’ve been getting a lot of extreme thoughts and panic because of it lately. My therapist tells me to take the cognitive approach and to look rationally at how likely my fears are to actually come true, and this approach has helped me with some aspects of my anxiety, but I’m finding it impossible to talk myself down from something this extreme and irrational.

  • I was adopted when I was 3.5. No one had ever really talked to me about my life before being adopted. All I know( from things I found on my own) is that my birth father was a drug addict and alcoholic. I had 3 sibling and we were split up in foster care. My mom said by the time I saw them again I didn’t know who they were. I was neglected and probably emotionally abused.

  • I really would want to adopt, it will be a dream, but the more videos i watch, the more i read… everything just sound bad, like we will never be just happy, adopting a baby or an older kid, i just feel sad:(

  • Hi Kati. As a teen adopted from China now living in Canada, I’m glad you finally did this video! I’ve always wondered about my birth parents and where I came from. My adopted parents never really talked about it much unless I asked, which I don’t always feel comfortable with doing. I did ask once and they told me to remember that they are my mom and dad, which kind of made me feel bad. I don’t have connection to my birth parents which sucks:( but I loved this video! Thanks for everything you do for me!��

  • Being adopted myself and struggling with mental health issues this was very helpful! I’ve been waiting for this video for a long time. Thank you so much Kati!!

  • This talk was eye-opening and inspiring. I have thought a lot about conscious adoption. I never separated closed and open adoption in my mind or realized that open adoption is much more beneficial for the child, especially in trans-cultural adoption. Thank you for this.

  • Hi Kati have you already done something with the relation between drugs, alcohol, and bipolar? I’m curious to know if drugs like weed can trigger a manic/hypomanic episode? Or is that person just high lol I’m assuming there might not be enough research on that yet so how about alcohol? Love your vids:)

  • I’m adopted and and my parents told me since I was young through a book that social services made for me including a letter from my birth mum and social services explaining, I’ve always been clingy to people and I was told by my therapist that being taken away from my birth mum (to go to a foster home) psychologically affected me even though I have no concious memories of it, I’m torn on whether I want to find them or not because I fear that if I do and they turn round and say no I’ll break… ��

  • I was adopted through the foster care system at age of 19 and I’m 21 now. and I still have mental health problems but I’m doing ok.

  • I’ve been looking for this everywhere, but, how do you deal with never having gotten adopted, and only having been in bad places? But now you’re too old… what now? This is the biggest hurt in my life.

  • I’m a transracial adoptee and I pray that this woman doesn’t deter anyone from adopting a child of a different race. For her to think her adopted parents weren’t her real parents, is highly offensive and closed minded, always focusing on color never the person. Wtf

  • I was adopted at a much older age (11 years old) but a couple of these were super helpful. Thank you for doing this video. I feel like I learnt something interesting about myself. ��

  • #KatiFAQ Hi Kati! What happens if 3 and 5 never happened to us? What if you were adopted and the age of two, but for the first 2 years you’re in an orphanage with basically nobody caring and loving for you? I’m now 16 and have FASD along with several other disorders, so I have a very hard time trusting people. Any advice?

  • I have wanted to be a mom since I was little and playing with dolls. But as I got older, I began to seriously question to what extent my disabilities would impact that desire. At this point in my life, I truly feel that I’m meant to adopt. I know how it feels to not have a loving mom and I want to be that mom for some other kid or two. Thanks Kati.

  • I’ve wanted to adopt since I was five. I’ve seen A LOT of negative comments about adoption. And as part of my ongoing research in the want to adopt one thing I’ve wanted to learn more about is the mental health aspects of the adopted child.

  • As an adoptee, after attending trauma therapy, I came to learn that adoption can lead to PTSC-C in many cases for adoptees who were adopted later on in life from age 3 and up and who were institutionalized in orphanages or foster care. Somatic therapy and EFT (Emotional Focused Therapy) has helped me process my emotions in a healthier fashion and I no longer feel the need to turn to escape mechanisms to run away from the loss. My identity crisis search led me to wanting to become a social worker to help people find their voice. I wish more adoptive parents educated themselves on how adoption is a trauma and it can also be traumatic for parents who cannot conceive babies or have lost babies as well before choosing to adopt. There is this triangular trauma of the birth parents, adoptee and adoptive parents where all have a case of loss. Adoption education is so crucial for any parents wanting to adopt children. It can help an adoptee grieve their loss in positive ways and can help build safer communication platforms amongst the whole topic on adoption itself.

  • I’m adopted. I wish I could talk to some one about it. I don’t understand what’s happening to me. It feels like I keep having heart attacks and I can’t breath and I’m shaking and my mind is spinning and I don’t know what to do. I’m 16 and I hate my self and everything is my fault. I hate my self ������

  • I’am adopted, and my adoption was a closed one��. I only know my birth moms first’s Jennifer and that’s it��. As I get older the more..I feel like I don’t belong in my adopted parents family..because my sister(half sister) and I are not blood related. It’s sad knowing my REAL family is out there somewhere��. I look out my bedroom window with tears in my eyes…and say don’t forget about me and I love you guys��. I love my adopted parents don’t get me wrong…but I want to know my REAL BLOOD parents ��.

  • You guys ever feel connected to other people who are adopted? Like you hear someone you know in school is adopted and then you go to them like “me too bro”. Or that just me?

  • I’m only 17 right now but I want to adopt later in life. I’m open to just about anyone I can afford to take care of regardless of age, past, medical issues, etc. I really want him/her/them to feel comfortable and loved so I’m trying to learn as much as possible in the years before I start looking. Is there anything I should know before adopting (I’m not going to until I’m at least out of college and have a stable job but I still want to learn so I know what to expect)

  • To be honest I actually want to adopt a three-year-old I just don’t know what age I do and that is amazing I don’t want to adopt someone instead of getting a girlfriend and having kids I just feel like I’m not ready for it and I probably never will but I probably might have a girlfriend but for now I’ll just stick to a doctor in so I know what to do

  • I’m sure this won’t be a popular comment but I need to speak my mind: Adoption is a really bad decision for all involved. Some people may think they are better off being adopted (and physically that can be true, but mentally and spiritually it is always a bad thing) and the people who adopt the kid may think they have done the child and the world a big favour, but I think those people are delusional. This is not the solution to the problem of parent-less children. The spirit of the child desires it’s REAL parents, not fake parents. You can give your money to a charity or orphanage and help these children to live well, but when you pretend to be their mother or father all you do is confuse the child, confuse yourself, and confuse any other children you have. People don’t say hurtful things to adopted children they say truthful things that hurt. The truth is what hurts. The truth is that these people who adopt children are looking to virtue signal or pay a debt they feel they owe for having been adopted themselves or to relieve the guilt they feel for having so much when others have so little: none of these reasons change the fact that you can’t magically turn yourself into the parent of a child just by buying it food and clothes. I know it’s a very popular idea right now that genes don’t matter: that men can be women; and women, men; and blacks, white and all sorts of other nonsense, but a man in a dress is not a woman anymore than a guy who buys you things and allows you to stay at his house is your father. Eating grass doesn’t make you a cow.

  • A very painful lesson I learned is to never ever put trust in your adoptive parents.In my case I have 2 credit cards from 2 banks and both overdrawn by $2000 each and I didn’t even know it until the bank starts blowing up my phone. You can corner them,call them out but they’ll always play the victim card(Oh why are you being disrespectful! I took you out of poverty! You should be thankful!) And guess what?! The banks don’t give a dam! Its my name on the cards so its my responsibility. There are days I would have rather died in the orphanage or been aborted bit life goes on.

  • At the time im writing this I’m 13 and I found out I’m adopted. I really got suicidal because I thought something is wrong with because my old family let me and forgot I even exist

  • I’m 22 and my parents doesn’t know I know I’m adopted and my relatives are being a jerk. Asking me if I know already and asking if they’re my parents. Like dude it’s a sensitive topic. It’s my life. Also, they’re talking behind our back about this. I don’t know. i feel sad and worthless because of that.

  • Our mother is not birth even if she stinks or serial killer
    Our father does exist otherwise we would not be alive
    Cutting us off from our entire family our mother,father,grandparents,sister,aunt,brother
    That is what cults and abusers do
    Changing our name to adopters is wrong
    Our family tree is not adopters that is truth
    Forced brainwashing to call adopter relatives our family is not truth
    Pretending as if born to is damaging because it is not true

  • No adoption guardianship only
    No false second birth certificate
    No false identity changed without person permission
    No cut off from our entire family
    No calling our mother birth even if she stinks or serial killer

  • I was adopted when I was 9/10, I was taken in by my aunt (wonderful lady) but she doesn’t realize that her situation is completely different than mine and she freaks out whenever I ask to be alone so I can mourn my mother, she says “You didn’t even live with her for that long!” and I don’t think she knows how much that hurts…

  • On the topic of self worth, how about if other people started changing their attitude around adoption? Stop treating me as if the only people who would raise me is out of pity? “Oh you’re parents are so strong, I could NEVER adopt”… I’m not fucking trash, my parents aren’t extra special for raising me LIKE EVERY OTHER CHILD. Also, seriously take a step back and reanalyze your life if you TRULY believe that the only people who can be loved have to come out your fucking vagina!! “WHAAAA I CAN’T HAVE KIDS!!!” you can adopt? “ITS NOT THE SAME!!!”, uh bitch yes i fucking am, I am EXACTLY the same to my parents as you are to yours, there is no fucking difference except in who did the delivery
    “But its hard”, so I’m not worth it?
    “They have so many rules” so pedos and sex rings should have an easy time obtaining prey?
    “They want to come check and visit my house!!” nobody should make sure that the child will be in a safe environment?
    WE have WORTH, WE are JUST as good as kids from your genitals, We have the same worth as blood, we are WORTH the effort, we are worth having OUR safety looked after. And most importantly all those babies NEED homes!!! Stop paying 2 million dollars for shots in your ass just to make sure a child who is already in need does NOT get a home (seriously, you’ll spend hundreds of thousands of dollars… but filling out paperwork and having a home check is too fucking much???)

  • I feel like my “parents” never wanted me I often think they think it was a mistake, I understand it tho were nothing alike, I never thought of them as my parents bc they never treated me like thier son.

  • I am adopted is everyone else here adopted as well. My family is my family but for some reason I feel as an outsider from my family bcuz me and bother are adoption and my other non blood related brother are adopted tho we are treated and loved the same by everyone I still think about sometimes how it’s kinda weird to call them my family if we aren’t blood?

  • One time I was in science class and we had a genetic project and we needed to show what genetics we got from our parents. I got home and just cried in my bed. I failed my project. I even told my teacher I was adopted and I failed that project. OH WELL IM SORRY IM ADOPTED

  • I’m adopted, and I love it! My parents fostered me since I was a infant, and my Dad was the one who convinced my mom to adopt me and my twin sister. Me and my Dad grew really close, he was my best friend, but he died at the age of 68 7 months ago when I had just turned 14. I am glad I meet him because of my adoption and I wouldn’t change a single thing:)

  • I was adopted…I found out at 12 yrs old when,someone at school told me,,then my mom said how I was adopted and that my birth mom was a drug addicted prostitute….,my adopted mom we bipolar and munchousens.,she fed me meds I shouldn’t have. taken…so I’ve struggled with addiction and I’ve also attracted many cluster B men….I’ve recently been diagnosed with STPD.,.

  • We don’t have biological children so I personally don’t have anything to compare it to, but we have treated each of our foster babies as if they were our own ❤

  • I’m adopted but not in a food family n my brother is in care somewhere else n my adopted parents hate me but they don’t realise that its actually hard for us

  • I want to be adopted by a lovely and caring family. By people who respect me. I’m 12 and I want to ask my biological dad if he could give me for adoption. He will say no, but I’m tired of my mom saying she will kill me, coming to me with a knife on her hand and putting her hand above me saying she will kill me. IM TIRED MOM! im tired.

  • Hi, I want to adopt an older child. I do have kids but I always wanted a big(ger) family. I wonder if the child will feel like part of the family or just look at me like some sort of eternal babysitter?
    Also, will the existence of biological children make it harder for an adopted kid to feel wanted and loved?

  • I was adopted when I was 7 and I’m 14 now! I was really scared when I was in care because I was constantly told nobody would want me and that’s why I was in care but now I love my family so much and I have fairly bad anxiety because of my past but I would never have believed you if said that when I was younger!

  • I’m adopted with my twin brother and this video really dosen’t talk about how being adopted really feels.. yet i’m still gonna adopt cause me and my kids will both know what’s up!!

  • I am adopted and an adopter. I have to say my view is that children should always grow up knowing the truth. I think the reason adopted parents don’t say is often to save their feelings not the childs.

  • As a person who is going to adopt, and not caring for the child’s ethnicity I thought I would find this video more eye opening, I just found it bias middle onward, it’s clear the lady didn’t have the best experience but she can’t use that as a base for all trans-racial adoptions. We have some friends who were adopted and their parents put efforts into learning about their bio culture and also with the technology now and people being more open minded I can just hope this video will not discourage people from adopting trans-racial children (Im from Poland and my partner is from Britain so we live diversely anyway)

  • To me as a German this whole “race-thing” is so confusing. I guess it’s just not a thing here to distinguish between races. Sure, racism sadly still exists here, but in school were thought that there’s no such thing as human races.

  • She did a very nice job explaining everything. But her example of the Indian woman, Tasha, in New Zealand has a few issues. Because of her native Indian culture, Tasha’s daughter had to be given up for adoption. I think it’s great that her daughter got adopted and also has contact with her birth mother and thus her heritage. However, just because it is one’s culture, doesn’t make it free from criticism. Lest we forget, it was that very culture which made Tasha give up her daughter for fear of excommunication in the first place! So be proud of your heritage, but also, don’t be afraid to criticize and question parts of a culture or heritage that are harmful or incorrect.

  • I was actually really sad that this is still something we need to talk about, but then I realized that we’ve come so far in such a short span of time. I’ve seen so many people in the comment section that are disappointed that we still need to talk about this but remember, we’ve come so far!

  • Hey Kati,

    I was adopted when I was 3 and my parents don’t really like to talk about it. I want to know who my biological parents are and I sometimes I feel like I don’t belong with my family now. What should I do?

  • I need someone to help me, my ex girlfriend wants to place my child for adoption but as the Biological father I don’t want to but she says that I don’t have the rights or have a say on this, I’ve been working hard and showing her I’m able to raise my child, but she just want me to not be part of my child just because our relationship went down hill, I even told her she can put m on child support but she denied everything and I have No communication with her, but I have the chance to talk to the agency and tommorrow will be the day I’ll talk to the adoptive parents and literally I don’t know if I will say the right things as not to take my baby away, please I need some advice and I’m watching this video and looking for help

  • All adoptees would like to know their culture…..I am white but looked very different (olive skin and brown eyes/hair) my aparents where blond with blue eyes my brother and sister were blond with blue eyes……it was so horrible every one (school/ neighborhood, random people in public)knew and commented that I was adopted. I use to dream about who my mother was. At times I would wonder if Cher was my mother (when I was young). Once I found my bparents I looked like someone…..I had my identity. It was amazing! (a little bit of Italian/ Native American/ Irish and British

  • To call adopting from another ethnicity “colonizing” is remarkable. I know there are adoptive parents that get defensive about bio families and don’t make a real effort to encourage learning about the adoptees heritage. BUT she grew up 40 years ago and things are not at all today how they were then. I’m always so annoyed by people complaining of kids being adopted by white people; feel free to step up yourself and tell others of your ethnicity to step up. What a shameful thing to guilt someone for doing something good because they don’t look the way you want them to.

  • i just had an argument with my friends about adoption and honestly im here and happy to see that there are many people who have the same belief as me in adoption. they argued that there were people like cinderella who suffered when adopted. people like harry potter. but they never thought about people who have only grown to their fullest potential because someone amazing had decided to give them the chance to.

  • Thank you for doing this video. The video made so much sense and answered so many questions that I have had for so many years. Being adopted was a blessing and a curse all rolled into one. I was a about 5 when my bio mom left me and my sister, adopted by my fathers wife when I was 6 or 7. Talking about being adopted was taboo and made it very hard growing up. It made it even harder when you don’t know where you come from and your adopted mother told you so many time over that “you are not my daughter” and “go live with your real mother”. Though when ever I asked about her I would get yelled at or made ashamed of it. I know that this is not how it is for everyone. I do think adoption is a great thing and so very special, but parents that are adopting please be honest and explain what is going on with your child.

  • I want to adopt in the future and I will definitely not rule out trans racial adoption. And if ever that is the case I want to do it right. I want them to feel pride in their culture. I want them to feel pride and knowledgeable on their history and culture. I want them to feel at home in our culture while also being familiar and passionate about their own. I know this sounds like a utopia but I will try my absolute hardest to make it reality.