Broaching the topic Your Son Or Daughter’s Knowledge of Adoption

 

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This will ultimately be a very personal decision between you and your partner. Knowing what kids are capable of understanding at different ages may help you plan out how you want to broach the topic. In general, there are two schools of thought on when a child should be told they were adopted. If you are feeling uncertain about broaching the subject with your child, seek out other adoptive parents and talk to them. Finding a community of.

Children’s curiosity about their adoption story is a normal part of growing up. Open and informative discussions are crucial for the development of your child’s sense of self. Infancy to Two. When broaching the subject of adoption or birth family history, a good place to start is by asking questions rather than sharing information. Inquiries about what the child remembers, wonders, worries, or fantasizes about will give parents an opportunity to “start where the child is.”.

Explain your children’s birth father to the extent that your situation allows. If they are able to have an open adoption and have a relationship, much of this understanding with grow from that relationship. For others, you will have to explain to your child. Read Related Content: Adopting a Child: Ensuring That You’re Ready A Healthy Start: Bonding With Your Adopted Baby Broaching the Subject: Your Child’s Understanding of Adoption The Chosen One: Announcing an Adoption and Bonding With Baby Support for Fertility Challenges. Get the Answers You Need The Chosen One: Announcing an Adoption and Bonding With Baby Broaching the Subject: Your Child’s Understanding of Adoption Adopting a Child: Ensuring That You’re Ready For Expecting Mothers: Deciding Whether Adoption Is the Right Choice Post-Adoption Depressive Syndrome: It’s Not Unusual to Feel Sad After an Adoption.

Adoption specifics are private and do not need to be shared. However, it is important the teacher and principal are aware of possible behavioral issues and a basic understanding of how anxiety, fear, grief, and anger from your child’s early lives can impact their school experience. A child who was adopted often struggles with understanding the reasons behind adoption placement. Not only do children often look to blame themselves for their adoption placement, but they often create fantasy worlds about their birth families.

With open adoption, they don’t have to fear the worst or play make-believe. Adoptinfo. In Parenting Your Adopted Child: A Positive Approach to Building a Strong Family (McGraw-Hill, 2004) by Andrew Adesman, M.D., Dr. Adesman emphasizes that no matter how old your child is, or what the reason for the adoption, one best explanation is that the birthparents were unable to be parents.

This covers all situations and takes the burden off the child, who may fear that he or.

List of related literature:

Furthermore, when adoptive parents can demonstrate their understanding of the child’s emotional needs by providing this information, it can enhance their child’s trust in them.

“Infertility Counseling: A Comprehensive Handbook for Clinicians” by Sharon N. Covington, Linda Hammer Burns
from Infertility Counseling: A Comprehensive Handbook for Clinicians
by Sharon N. Covington, Linda Hammer Burns
Cambridge University Press, 2006

Often the child’s adoption is revealed when asking about birth or family history, but if the child is unaware of the adoption the parents might deflect the questions to a later time so they can provide the information without the child learning of their adoption.

“Maternal Child Nursing Care in Canada E-Book” by Shannon E. Perry, Marilyn J. Hockenberry, Deitra Leonard Lowdermilk, Lisa Keenan-Lindsay, David Wilson, Cheryl A. Sams
from Maternal Child Nursing Care in Canada E-Book
by Shannon E. Perry, Marilyn J. Hockenberry, et. al.
Elsevier Health Sciences, 2016

Although parents should decide when and what to tell their child about adoption, it can become problematic if the child first learns about his or her adoption from someone other than a parent.

“Normal Family Processes: Growing Diversity and Complexity” by Froma Walsh
from Normal Family Processes: Growing Diversity and Complexity
by Froma Walsh
Guilford Publications, 2012

Parents should expect the same or similar questions repeatedly, and that during the preschool period the child’s cognitive limitations make it likely the child will not fully understand the meaning of adoption.

“Nelson Essentials of Pediatrics” by Karen Marcdante, Robert M. Kliegman, Richard E. Behrman, Hal B. Jenson
from Nelson Essentials of Pediatrics
by Karen Marcdante, Robert M. Kliegman, et. al.
Elsevier Health Sciences, 2010

• Discussions of the adoption should be open, keeping in mind the child’s developmental stage, cognitive abilities, and emotional needs.

“Pediatric Primary Care E-Book” by Catherine E. Burns, Ardys M. Dunn, Margaret A. Brady, Nancy Barber Starr, Catherine G. Blosser, Dawn Lee Garzon Maaks
from Pediatric Primary Care E-Book
by Catherine E. Burns, Ardys M. Dunn, et. al.
Elsevier Health Sciences, 2012

At this age, parents should continue to build the factual foundation that will help full comprehension later on and instill a sense of pride and positive feelings about adoption.

“Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft Revised Edition” by Mary Hopkins-Best
from Toddler Adoption: The Weaver’s Craft Revised Edition
by Mary Hopkins-Best
Jessica Kingsley Publishers, 2012

The child’s sense of trust in others and commitment to the adoptive family are also helpful.

“Cambridge Handbook of Psychology, Health and Medicine” by Andrew Baum, Stanton Newman, John Weinman, Robert West, Chris McManus
from Cambridge Handbook of Psychology, Health and Medicine
by Andrew Baum, Stanton Newman, et. al.
Cambridge University Press, 1997

That adopted children did not need information about their origins, that adoptive par­ents would fully replace a child’s original family, and that a birthmother should move on with her life without further thoughts of the lost child were widely held beliefs of this period.

“Encyclopedia of Human Relationships: Vol. 1-” by Harry T. Reis, Susan Sprecher
from Encyclopedia of Human Relationships: Vol. 1-
by Harry T. Reis, Susan Sprecher
SAGE Publications, 2009

Adoptive parents should receive information about the children’s cognitive understanding of adoption so that they can be prepared to answer their own child’s questions at the appropriate developmental levels.

“The Psychology of Adoption” by David M. Brodzinsky Associate Professor of Developmental and Clinical Psychology Rutgers University, Marshall D. Schechter Professor of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine (Emeritus)
from The Psychology of Adoption
by David M. Brodzinsky Associate Professor of Developmental and Clinical Psychology Rutgers University, Marshall D. Schechter Professor of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine (Emeritus)
Oxford University Press, USA, 1990

In a fully open adoption, birth parents and adoptive parents write or visit according to their original agreement and improvise the rules as they go along.

“Lost & Found: The Adoption Experience” by Betty Jean Lifton
from Lost & Found: The Adoption Experience
by Betty Jean Lifton
University of Michigan Press, 2009

Oktay Kutluk

Kutluk Oktay, MD, FACOG is one of the world's foremost experts in fertility preservation as well as ovarian stimulation and in vitro fertilization for infertility treatments. He developed and performed the world's first ovarian transplantation procedures as well as pioneered new ovarian stimulation protocols for embryo and oocyte freezing for breast and endometrial cancer patients.

Mail: [email protected]
Telephone: +1 (877) 492-3666

Biography: https://medicine.yale.edu/profile/kutluk_oktay/
Bibliography: oktay_bibliography

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29 comments

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  • I wish I could track down my birth parents:( they gave me up but used fake names. I’ve tried private investigators who only turn up the fake names:( would be nice to have closure and visit home

  • I love what you said in this video! I’m in the process of adopting my son out of the foster care system and I am sharing the experience over on my channel. Opposite to you, I am hoping to have a biological child after the adoption and then continuing to foster.

  • YES THIS IS NO 1….HOW CAN YOU NOT EXPLAIN THIS…NEVER SPEAK OF THUS FOR 18 YEARS…WAS MY ADOPTIVE PARENTS ONLY MISTAKE…

  • Very good info. I was adopted when I was 6 years old. My family (Mom or Dad’s) never treated me any different than anybody else.,heck they never even talked about to me until I was over 40. I was truly blessed. New Subscriber here. My channel is for mature women (BUT has NO age barriers) who love fashion and beauty.

  • I love that you brought up the fact that it’s okay if you don’t “feel” as bonded to your adopted child at first as long as you show them the same love you’d show a bio kid! Love is an action, not just a feeling ��

  • Some of the most annoying and hurting things I’ve ever heard, as an adopted child, are:

    “Did you always know you are adopted?” of course, I’m not some Disney character. I know some parents might lie, but in most cases it’s pretty obvious if you are blood-related to your family or not, for example, my father’s and mother’s hair is black/brown, and their eyes are brown/slight blue, but my eyes are greenish-blue and my hair is strawberry blonde, so it’s pretty easy to see.

    “Do you think your family is really your family?” of course I do, they’re the best things in the world for me. They’re my family, and I love them.

    “Do you want to meet your bio parents?” that question might depend on your situation. I for once, never want to meet my bio parents. I’m aware of the fact circumstances might have forced them to give me up, but I still feel abandoned. I don’t hate them, but I’ve got my own family now, people who love me and care for me. My twin sister does want to meet our bio parents, so maybe she’ll go through it.

    “You don’t have any real parents” I remember being told that in middle school, and I remember having fights with kids trying to convince them I’m really a part of my family. It’s so annoying and hurtful when people say that, just because we don’t share the same blood doesn’t mean we’re less of a parent and child.

    “How does it feel to be an adopted child?”…
    Aside from that, being adopted also gave me a really deep appreciation to my life. It’s not necessarily a bad thing to be an adopted person.
    I don’t care if people ask me questions about it, but sometimes people ask really stupid stuff
    If i’ll ever want to start a family, I’m adopting. Take in someone who does not have anybody.

  • My experience has been each of our biological children and each of our adoptive children are unique to each child, their personality and their needs. For new parents, try not to let outsiders questions get to you, just like with every parenting advice and judgement we experience, no one else knows you or your children like you do. ��

  • I have a step daughter I met at 16 months, a 11yr old foster almost adopted and a 2yr old foster from birth almost adopted. I feel very different bonds with each of them because they all met me at different developmental changes. They bond differently to you depending on what they need. I feel most bonded to the two year old but I am still bonded to the other two but they don’t need me the same way the baby needs me.

  • 1 Corinthians 15:1-4 Authorized (King James) Version (AKJV)

    15 Moreover, brethren, I declare unto you the gospel which I preached unto you, which also ye have received, and wherein ye stand; 2 by which also ye are saved, if ye keep in memory what I preached unto you, unless ye have believed in vain. 3 For I delivered unto you first of all that which I also received, how that Christ died for our sins according to the scriptures; 4 and that he was buried, and that he rose again the third day according to the scriptures:

  • I’m trying to find my biological parents in haiti. I was adopted and I live in America. Im only 15 but I have faith I will find my parents and siblings

  • A lot of these people that take kids in just want someone to mow their yard while getting paid by the state and having the neighbors and church people think they’re these big altruistic people. And just look at that one congress woman (I forget her name) that keeps reminding everyone that she took in 10 or so kids… as she charges forward with her political aspirations!

    You kids need to know that you’ll ALWAYS be looked down upon due to your own parents not wanting you. Just suck it up….!

  • Hang in there ok. I can tell from your words that you have a great head on your shoulders. I am living proof that it will all work out ok…….

  • parents did all of ths it still hurts me everyday to think im not good enough im only 17 years old and i drink and smoke everday to deal with it i wouldnt wish being adopted on my worst enemy

  • Thank you I’ve been struggling with being adopted, I used to think that no body loved me because my real mom and dad didn’t. I still don’t know my real parents, but I’m happy with who I’m with.

  • My story for being adopted was dark, and not something you would tell your child….i feel the damage is done and i will never heal, but im always healing.

  • Thank you for tackling the topic of adoption. I’ve been learning about Nancy Verier’s concept of the “Primal wound”, which, through research and as an adoptee, I find to be an important concept to cover as well.

  • Hi I’m 11 I was adopted at 8 I was able to see my real dad but that changed he left for drugs disappeared from the face of the earth and I am broken my mom says she hates my real parents and says I will never be able to see him again so now I’m really sad

  • I was so happy to find this video on adoption. I’m an adult adoptee that has been struggling with being adopted all my life. What I’d add to your information is that a very important book written by Nancy Newton Verrier, “The Primal Wound,” is crucial for the adoptee and others in the family to be able to begin to understand the adoption/adaption experience.

  • I was adopted…I found out at 12 yrs old when,someone at school told me,,then my mom said how I was adopted and that my birth mom was a drug addicted prostitute….,my adopted mom we bipolar and munchousens.,she fed me meds I shouldn’t have. taken…so I’ve struggled with addiction and I’ve also attracted many cluster B men….I’ve recently been diagnosed with STPD.,.

  • Hi Kati! When’s the best time to disclose to the public that you are adopted?

    P.S. I work in a clinic where I give Psychological Tests to Future adoptive parents:) This video makes me love my work all the more. Thank you!

  • Thanks for sharing your story! My lil brother (R.I.P. Jason) were both adopted together (I was 5 & he was almost 4yrs old). Unfortunately, we didn’t have a living mother as yourself! Quite the opposite! She was very abusive to us & even covered up the fact that her only bio child (her son) raped & sodomized me til the time i was 10yrs old! There was NO motherly bond between us! But my Daddy (R.I.P.) was kept in the dark about this until i was 18 (4yrs after she left us & divorced my Daddy!) He was so much different than her! He was my ��,my rock, my joy,, & my biggest cheerleader in life! The bond we had was so very strong & he’s now passed away from cancer about 5yrs ago! I just turned 44 in March & i miss my dad dearly everyday! I’ve never felt a bond like that or a love like his from anyone else in my life!! Anyways, thank you for being an excellent role model & mother of an adopted child who loves & treats her no different! I wish there were tons more like you! I wish i had had a mother-daughter bond but i thank God for the bond & love i shared with my Dad! God Bless you & other families like yours! ��������

  • 5# is extremely helpful to know. My therapist mentioned this and recommended that I do some research tonight(which is why I’m watching this video). I’m adopted with amazing parents yet still have some self worth issues along with generalize anxiety. I’m way too critical of myself.. I always jump to negative conclusions about myself..struggle internally when accepting any kind of compliment.

    It’s like I subconsciously don’t value myself. I have to battle these negative thoughts constantly throughout the day.

    My birth mother did drugs in the womb and i was hospitalized for months after birth. I think being isolated without a mother for the first 6 months is a source for my self worth issue. I feel relieved knowing that connection.

  • Thank you for making this video. I am adopted & the part about the lack of help when you needed it made me think about how I had to rock myself to sleep because I had to self soothe. I never really thought about it until now when she brought this topic up. Thank you so much.

  • Does anyone have any suggestions when you first brought the child (3 years old) home from another country and he is throwing a tantrum and crying all the time? I’m not sure what methods to try to adjust him to his new home beside from buying him toys or lying to him that he is just at this house temporarily.

  • I grew up knowing I was adopted. As I went through puberty I hit the identity stage of my life and struggled. I couldn’t identify who I was like my mum or dad, if I had siblings out there, where my personality traits came from, etc. I am now in my late 20’s and find it hard to relate to my family that raised me but we have a lot of history. I know my birth parents, feel emotionally connected to people for the first time but there is no history.

  • I lost my family numerous times before age 7, so this damage followed me into my adoption I think I was borderline psychotic without help for decades. When parents yell, criticize and doubt it doesn’t help heal back what was missed out on in earlier life.

    It took me until my forties to take an honest look at what happened and seek a path to health.

  • “where do you feel it in your body?”
    “it’s an attachment device”
    “you have a real sensitivity to energy”
    ….just some of the bull crap that can come out of an adoption therapist’s mouth.

  • My stepmom only adopted me for the money I believe. She’s always talking about how when I grow up how I’m going to make money and give it to her. Makes me feel worthless.

  • I have no biological children, but adopted my son at birth. It took four months before I didn’t feel like someone had just handed me a random child to take care of. It was terrifying, because I was afraid there was something wrong with me, and that I would never bond with him. I was also afraid that I would’ve bonded faster with a biological child. The guilt I felt was crushing. Thank you for sharing your experience with postpartum and how it affected your bonding experience. It’s reassuring to know that can happen whether our child is biological or adopted. My son is about to turn two, and the bond that I was afraid would never develop is now completely unbreakable��