How to proceed should you Regret Not Getting Children

 

The Price of Not Having Kids

Video taken from the channel: Bench Ladies


 

Former bank CFO: ‘I missed out’ by not having kids

Video taken from the channel: AmazingNewsVid


 

Is having kids worth it? What I wish I had known

Video taken from the channel: Upright Health


 

Do These Older Couples Regret Not Having Children? (r/AskReddit)

Video taken from the channel: Reddify2


 

Over 50 and Childless: Do You Regret not Having Children, or not?

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Not Sure Whether You Want Kids? Here’s How I Decided

Video taken from the channel: Marie Forleo


 

Parents who regretted having kids, what do you wish you had known before? (r/AskReddit)

Video taken from the channel: Sir Reddit


Whether you made a conscious decision to remain childless, or it was foisted on you by circumstances outside of your control, it is natural to sometimes regret not having children. In fact, almost every non-parent has wondered if they should have had children—especially as they age. Not having kids, and other most common regrets Caitlin McCormack 11/25/2019.

Another career-related regret that many older people have is not taking more risks during their time in the workforce. Accepting not having children is similar to any type of serious loss in that you will experience grief in its many forms. Understanding how grief manifests will prepare you to be able to manage it. Denial. You may be in disbelief, and mentally unwilling to accept the reality of not having kids.

Despair. Having recently published research exposing the rhetorical differences in male and female sterilization counseling, which investigated the tactics and ideology surrounding issues of female reproductive justice, one of my findings was that women are often told they will regret not having children. Kids murder your sex life.

Breaking news: This is not a myth at all. Between all that lack of sleep that comes with having kids, the lack of time to do it, and the general stress of being a parent, sex lives of people with kids tend to. Have kids because you’re ready to love — not because you’re terrified of regret or other risks. Some people do regret kids. There are days when I do regret not having kids.

I missed out on a profound experience. Because I didn’t really have a mother myself, I wonder if I should have tried to make and forge that bond. You might say that I’ve travelled far enough from the fear of having my kids snatched from me that I’m bolder, brazen, that I’ve lost sight of the blessing that is children. You might say I was too young to know regret or too naive to care back that. You might go ahead and say I am a terrible person.

As parents, you understand this new reality. You roll your eyes, but you get it: This is life now. But when your kids take you away from me, I resent it. I just do.

I know they’re brilliant and beautiful, but they’re children. I like you — not these demanding small people. If you are feeling regret because someone did something to you, realize that you are not to blame.

But, make sure that you tell the police (and your parents if you’re young) so that person who hurt you will be stopped from hurting you and other victims.

List of related literature:

Have more children.

“Contemporary African American Novelists: A Bio-bibliographical Critical Sourcebook” by Emmanuel Sampath Nelson
from Contemporary African American Novelists: A Bio-bibliographical Critical Sourcebook
by Emmanuel Sampath Nelson
Greenwood Press, 1999

But I don’t regret not having any kids.

“To Be, Or Notto Bop” by Dizzy Gillespie, Al Fraser
from To Be, Or Notto Bop
by Dizzy Gillespie, Al Fraser
University of Minnesota Press, 2009

Part II: Have or adopt a second child.

“Free-Range Kids, How to Raise Safe, Self-Reliant Children (Without Going Nuts with Worry)” by Lenore Skenazy
from Free-Range Kids, How to Raise Safe, Self-Reliant Children (Without Going Nuts with Worry)
by Lenore Skenazy
Wiley, 2010

Attend school events, go shopping, or pursue a hobby with each child.

“Wounded Children, Healing Homes: How Traumatized Children Impact Adoptive and Foster Families” by Jayne Schooler, Betsy Keefer Smalley, Timothy Callahan
from Wounded Children, Healing Homes: How Traumatized Children Impact Adoptive and Foster Families
by Jayne Schooler, Betsy Keefer Smalley, Timothy Callahan
The Navigators, 2014

• Spend more family time with children.

“Journey Across the Life Span: Human Development and Health Promotion” by Elaine U Polan, Daphne R Taylor
from Journey Across the Life Span: Human Development and Health Promotion
by Elaine U Polan, Daphne R Taylor
F.A. Davis Company, 2019

go on to have children.

“Gypsy Dream Dictionary” by Raymond Buckland
from Gypsy Dream Dictionary
by Raymond Buckland
Llewellyn Publications, 1999

You can love kids, enjoy kids, and even miss parenting without being a Kids Are Us couple.

“The Sacred Search: What If It's Not about Who You Marry, But Why?” by Gary Thomas
from The Sacred Search: What If It’s Not about Who You Marry, But Why?
by Gary Thomas
David C Cook, 2013

Consider something as simple as the decision to have children.

“The Peaceable Kingdom: A Primer in Christian Ethics” by Stanley Hauerwas
from The Peaceable Kingdom: A Primer in Christian Ethics
by Stanley Hauerwas
University of Notre Dame Press, 1991

Regrets arise not only about the decision itself—in this case, whether to have children—but also about the process one takes to come to that decision.

“How to Be Childless: A History and Philosophy of Life Without Children” by Rachel Chrastil
from How to Be Childless: A History and Philosophy of Life Without Children
by Rachel Chrastil
Oxford University Press, Incorporated, 2019

Avoid comments such as, “At least you can have more children” or “It was for the best.”

“Counseling the Nursing Mother” by Judith Lauwers, Anna Swisher
from Counseling the Nursing Mother
by Judith Lauwers, Anna Swisher
Jones & Bartlett Learning, 2015

Oktay Kutluk

Kutluk Oktay, MD, FACOG is one of the world's foremost experts in fertility preservation as well as ovarian stimulation and in vitro fertilization for infertility treatments. He developed and performed the world's first ovarian transplantation procedures as well as pioneered new ovarian stimulation protocols for embryo and oocyte freezing for breast and endometrial cancer patients.

Mail: [email protected]
Telephone: +1 (877) 492-3666

Biography: https://medicine.yale.edu/profile/kutluk_oktay/
Bibliography: oktay_bibliography

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36 comments

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  • I am 20 and have been gradually realizing I don’t want kids. If anything, I want to adopt or foster in my 40’s or 50’s. I am a Christian and I have so much else I feel called to the medical field, the mission field, grad school… I wouldn’t want my kids to be loved/poured into less because of those things, nor would I want to give them up and resent my kids for that. The heartbreaking thing is I may have to end a happy relationship over this. My boyfriend very much wants to be a dad.

  • i would love to know if, since this was posted (2017), Silke has discovered the reason WHY she’s defensive & somewhat bitter about having to justify her decision. i would love to know this because i, too, feel defensive & bitter about feeling obligated to justify my decision, & like Silke, i’ve never been able to pinpoint why i have these feelings….and i’m hesitant to even inquire because i’m sure there’ll be at least one person (there’s ALWAYS one, lol!) who will triumphantly declare that those feelings are “proof” that i really DO want children after all uuuhhh, No. but i find it incredibly disheartening that for this (U.S.) culture, we’re defined solely by 1) what you do for a living 2) whether or not you’ve married & 3) whether or not you have at least 1 kid. It never ceases to amaze me how if NONE of those 3 applies to you, people are dumbfounded as to where to take the conversation from there! you have people with all these credentials & fancy degrees literally stuttering & stumbling over their words, LOL! b.

  • Thank you, ladies. Yes, people across the globe have stopped WANTING children. I decided at 17 I wanted none. I had one because his dad was thrilled. His dad died. Nightmare to raise a child you did not want and knew you could not take care of on your own succumb to the disease that made you decide you did not want any to begin with. I strongly support both men and women having the choice to never be put into the position my son and are are now in. If Silka did not want children, Silka did not want children and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. I had a very dear friend recently divorce her amazing husband of ten years because of this-she wanted kids, he did not. They were both great people. She did not want to rob herself of the possibility of children. I don’t know why we do not let young adults get surgically sterilized. I feel horrible when people desperately WANT children but cannot have them. I really do. I cannot imagine the horrible pain that put you and everyone else through. I do not like the way everything is about children, to the point the word “selfish” is used. That would simply be the envy of parents. Children force us to give up our lives. Selfish, yes. Why? You simply did not think you wanted to do thar. That is NOT actually selfish though, so remind them that their comment is moot. We are able to do SO much more for the world if we do not have children-that is what Oprah said. ������

  • Isn’t 4:00 illegal? To swap someone’s medication with ineffective meds? I think they could really have the parents arrested for something like that. That’s awful.

  • I never want children. I hate it when that is expected from a women, as soon as she is old enough that she should throw her life away to get married and have children. For some that is a dream, for others like me, that’s a life sentence right there. And yet, no matter how confident I am in myself, everyone else is the same. “You will change your mind when you get older…blah blah”. I knew when I got into grade eight I wasn’t going to be ready for college after I graduate high school. Everybody said I will change my mind, that I’m only saying it now. I graduated high school and took an extra year of it because I wasn’t ready for college. I never had a crush, never had any interests in getting into relationships because I honestly think they are a bit distracting, and a waste. But if I do find someone I want them to accept me for me, be able to have my time with friends and to myself same for him, because we all need breaks from each other every now and then, and someone who accepts that I don’t want any kids ( Bonus if he doesn’t want any either). I hope he treats me like a person and not an object like a lot of men think women as. Other than that, I rather live off my own.

  • 41 and we are kid free. We can retire early and enjoy the freedom together, but I will admit that I get the fear of being lonely as I get old. I grew up in a huge family and it’s really a fear of mine. But that’s why we make lifelong friends and make sure we plan to retire with a good nest egg to cover ourselves. We have fur babies. Retirement communities are good to meet friends and do events together. Get term life insurance people, take care of your spouse! Pay off all debts and invest and start saving for retirement now and live off the interest your funds create in index funds. I have an Aunt that has kids and the kids are grown up and don’t have anything to do with her anymore. You can’t rely on kids to take care of you.

  • I gladly make Enemies for myself with this comment, but you know what? Parenting is rather Easy. Kis are easy to take care of if you know what you’re doing, and it helps if they’re also talented. I dare to say it’s not really that hard if you’re smart. Especially this “When they are Adults, you keep worrying your whole life about their Decisions”-Part can completly be Skipped! Yeah, really, it’s not a Rule or Law of Nature.

    Edit: Oh, i forgot the big Point that if you’re Mind is just made to enjoy seeing Things grow, you also enjoy your children just grow, which definetly helps. I like seeing Level-Ups and such. That’s why i love Pokemon, and it might very well be one of the Reasons why i love my Babies.”

  • I feel bad for them, you all are sociopaths who are trying to look for a reason to laugh at others because your lives are miserable.

  • Im personally a 14 year old and My Mother and grandmother says ohhh
    Just wait to you get Kids honeslty.
    I think im afraid of the pregnancy but not having Kids.
    I Would love to adopt.

    But I kinda always feel like People trying to press ure women to have Kids. And I dont understand it.
    Plus My family always says its wrong to choose to abort.
    Wich i do not.
    But yeah

    Jus tto let you Guys know not plantning on having Kids.
    But mabye adoption.

  • I am just past my mid 50s, I had never wanted children and still no regrets. I think religion and ProLife groups needs not get involved with couples regarding children and birth control. Children are not for everyone and should never be a religious reasons.

  • Having children is very important never choose any carrier over that when u get to ur 40-50 and its complicated to have them its stressfull. Its all we live behind that matters.

  • It’s important you know what you want out of life.
    Don’t have kids because people day you should. Remember kids grow up to be adults and those adults go on into the world to become part of society.

    If you don’t feel capable or have doubts, don’t do it. Being a parent is a very difficult and important job, you are raising a future wife/husband to someone, a future employee for a company, and a future parent to a child.

    No one seems to think about the fact they are raising this child to be an adult who will interact with other humans in the grand world. It seems like children are often a way to a nice tax break (in america) and a way to score approval with their families

    Have kids because you WANT them, not because your family or strangers tell you it is decidedly so.

    If you are thinking of children, get a physical and mental health evaluation, make sure you are healthy on all fronts and if you arent, start.

    Start saving for college early on for your potential children if you are able. More so, become financially stable before having kids.

    I say this as a child who grew up in a poor household. I didn’t have a childhood because I knew early on how much of a bind we were in financially. I graduated high school and went into the work force, had a loan debt at 19 to help my folks.

    Do not put your children through that. It is a terrible fucking position to be in and then in your childs 30s they will mourn the childhood they never had because adult stresses stole it from them.

    Give your child a two parent household! Don’t put them through a messy divorce where they feel they must choose sides. Be sure of who you are having kids with.

    Kids are all fun and dandy, but they have bad days where they are entirely inconsolable, they will spit, yell, scream, make a mess in an otherwise clean home, and will bulk every step of the damn way.

    If you do not have the fortitude to handle that, don’t have kids.

    Just be smart and actually THINK about having kids instead of accepting it as something that just happens.

  • Bunch of pansies on this video. Go take care of children as a daycare worker or babysitter for a year. You’ll get all the idea you’ll ever need about if you want children or not. Yes for male and female to do this; I’m a male and work as a daycare provider.

    When you’re young spending that year with the plethora of children that walk through the doors of a daycare center, and their shit parents, then you’ll understand how crazy the responsibility can be. If you’re frustrated while working and being paid to take care of children that typically go home after 8-12 hours then imagine how you’ll feel with children that never go away.

  • I’m 25, almost died from blood clots in my lungs, caused from 6 months of estrogen all of my specialists say it’s extremely risky to have a pregnancy. I am petrified of becoming pregnant. Husband is in mid 30’s… he is in mental/emotional limbo with not having kids… disliking the idea of adoption 100%…
    So… over these past 2 years of recovery post nearly dying, I’ve accepted and developed a sense of peace with not having children…the many, many reasons as to how it really benefits me overall, and this planet. During that time of healing, I learned a lot… and have read material on the biological reasoning on where the “urge” to procreate stems from… it’s from our ego! We want to recreate and care for a “mini me.” A teensy brief part of me likes to flirt with the thought of adopting… if our investments do well, maybe then do a donor egg + surrogacy… but then for what?
    For what.
    All of that time, time to make the money, time to plan, energy from our emotional and mental parts…. for what?
    There are always opportunities to swaddle infants withdrawing from methadone in hopsitals.. the amount of volunteer opportunities is endless. So, with therapy, random YouTube videos and other personal research, and my own personal endeavors of meditating/journaling….
    I have come to the conclusion that life is okay without children. I am graciously alive still after dozens of life threatening blood clots.
    My mother also had clots post two of her own pregnancies. She has now passed an unknown genetic condition where estrogen shifts are not easily tolerated during pregnancy. Do my potential children deserve to inherit that… along with the fact that I have PCOS, asthma, and several allergies? Hell no.
    Thanks for the video. Refreshing and reassuring.
    Also, in my field of work, I meet hundreds of 50+ aged patients… it has been a gift to be able to learn from their life experiences they are so open about… helps me to “think twice, act once.”

  • When I was 14 I got my first girlfriend pregnant, she had told me she couldn’t have kids because she had a blood condition, her mum also backed this up that she could not have kids. She got pregnant after about 8 months of us having unprotected sex, I found out after wed broke up for over 2 months because she cheated on me with her ex, I’m 21 now and I’ve been depressed since I was 14 I lost every friend I had basically and spent my last year of school alone because I asked her to get an abortion and she told everyone. I have attempted to take my life once because of the shame of what I’m putting a child who didn’t ask for any of this truly has ruined me. She now has 2 kids and is with someone else who is raising my son I can’t knock them though she is from what I hear a great mum. It has affected every single interaction I have had with another human since In the last two years I’ve developed a real addiction to marijuana an addiction a mental addiction. I regret it all. I never had or knew my father and to do that to my child kills me. I was fucking 14 kinda just typing this out because Im struggling and need an outlet

  • Having kids is really not that dramatic and blown way out of proportion. The first few years are tough but then it becomes much easier.

  • I’m almost certain I don’t want children. I’ve met the man I plan to spend my life with, and the only person I’ve ever even THOUGHT about having children with. I’ve never wanted children until I met him, and not even until recently in our relationship as we’ve gotten more serious about long-term planning. He’s never wanted a child until he met me as well. Both of us were previously on the ‘hell no’ side of having kids, and are still leaning that way as we explore our adult lives together. If, one day, we’re financially stable and the world isn’t so shitty (as if), then perhaps we’d consider it more seriously. Until then, both of us are happy focusing on the other, and loving each other (and our kitties!) instead of a baby. ��

  • i’m 14 and very depressed i have suicidal thoughts every day. Some days i literally can’t even find the strength to bathe myself or do school work. I feel like i don’t have a purpose and myself isn’t enough to keep me motivated. I don’t know why but i was just thinking if I had a child, not only would it distract me from my thoughts but it would push me to take care of myself. I don’t know it’s just a thought

  • After five years of childlessness now I’m finally pregnant������❤.. All thanks �� goes to the powerful spell caster who helped me✌��, I’ll be forever greatful to him����.

  • I am over 50 and never regretted having no kids. I decided at 13, coming from a large, Irish alcoholic family. My eldest sister was the biggest whiner I ever met, had 3 kids, second was twins. She portrayed herself as a martyr, complained about her husband, lack of money, ad nauseum. When I look at her and the miserable life of other sisters, I realize I dodged not a bullet, but a barrage of ICBM’s. Eldest sister has male twin for life: obese, lazy and squandered the intellect he clearly has. Now his two sibling will be saddled with him.

  • I am 20 years old
    I’m terrified of getting pregnant
    I can barely take care of myself and my current responsibilities properly
    I dont know how I would ever take care of a kid
    I dont think it’s a good idea for me to be a parent
    I am not mentally strong enough to have a kid and I dont want to mess up a kid
    I’m so scared of becoming my parents
    I’m nervous about the changes in my body having a kid will cause or if I will even survive when giving birth
    I have pcos and a heart shaped uterus and thyroid issues and scoliosis
    And I just feel like pregnancy would make me miserable and my body would never recover
    Having kids it such a scary thought for me
    Not even mentioning the financial aspect

  • I go back and forth with thisI have always been nurturing and I love caring for and loving people, I always thought I’d want kids and to go through the journeys of motherhood…but I also don’t know if I could. I don’t have the mental ability to take care of myself, let alone raise a whole other human. The stress, the mental struggles, the depression, the pain and issues you get from pregnancy and having to be up and down for years before you can get sleep again. I can’t handle much and I go back and forth with the question “can I make it?”

  • Give me a successful career any day over a kid. At least if I have a successful career then I have financial freedom, I could end up ruining a child’s life, and that wouldn’t be fair to the child.

  • I’ve heard a lot of those “helpful suggestions” and “convincing” arguments as to why I should have a baby. I still don’t want a baby either and I’m ok with going against the grain! To each their own:)

  • And no one is gonna talk about 300$ a week, $1200 a month daycare? Most middle class college grads can’t afford daycare. Low income get free daycare and high income can pay for it. Unless you have a grandma or free sitter the poverty is very real. Doesn’t seem like a winning situation.

  • While i enjoyed the video. How can you possibly say having a kid is worth it when your child is only 1-2 years old. You haven’t even started seeing the major expenses yet, or when they start having problem in school etc…. report back in 15 years….

  • I live in a close knit condo community and my neighbors (married couple) just recently had another baby. I was so happy for them but noticed every time I see them they look lifeless and like zombies…..I’m not too sure about the whole kids thing

  • There’s a saying ‘you’ll only regret the kids you didn’t have’. I’m 40 and still undecided. My partner is obsessing and i never really felt that mom feeling. I’m a mom to my dogs. Babies make me uncomfortable -i can’t explain it.

  • What I don’t understand is why women can’t have kids and still be successful? I am 27 getting married soon because we want to try for a baby, I am a chartered accountant working a 6 figure job, sure having a kid will set me back a little but why can’t I achieve great success after I turn 30? I would never give up kids for a career…if you are hard working and driven, you certainly can succeed at work while being a mom. Just sayin’

  • This planet is simply devastating. A child is born with love and innocence in their hearts and minds….exposing them to this incredibly sad world is not it

  • I had children. Too bad.
    Children don’t make moms happy. A good father doesn’t always happen. Many men molest their own children sexually to get back at their wives.

  • Let this be a lesson to all you “strong, independent” woman out there. Us men dont care about that let alone want one in a relationship. Dont agree? Well have fun being single ladies until you learn your role.

  • Yes im young looking 50, thought I’d all time in the world then wake up realising haven’t given parents a grandchild, would pay few thousand for someone who is serious about having a child to me, 100%serious!

  • why does she regret it. If she wants a child she can very well adopt one (or two), that way she will have children and orphan children will have a home and a mother. If at all I reach to her age and regret not having kids, I will adopt one without hesitation.

  • One of those stop and smell the roses hey stop and smell this people who have a hard time learning and have a hard time learning are sick and tired of being told if they just start a family everything will work out just fine you have money in your Rich f*** you.

  • I was never that into kids before my back injury at 21. Sadly, this injury really effected my lumbar spine and pelvis. I have never been told by a doctor that it wouldn’t necessarily be unsafe for me if I have kids, but it has made my indecisiveness much stronger. Do I risk further injury by bringing a child into this world just to appease my husband’s family? He goes back and forth just like me with the discussion regarding children. My mother had 5 of us and raised us on her own. I saw the hell she went through. That being said, my other sisters have graced the planet more than enough with their offspring. Do I really need to contribute? My husband is an only child though, so I understand why his family tells me that I “have to” have at least one baby. sigh Having an MRI of my hips and lower back next week I will see what my doctors have to say I guess ��‍♀️

    And, it’s not only health factors for me. I think about finances and freedom to travel on a whim. You can’t just up and leave one day if you have kids. I see more cons than pros when it comes to raising children. I have so much more respect and love for my mother now that I am older and understand the sacrifices she actually made to keep us clothed and fed with a roof over our heads.